Excellent news! The good people at A Place In The Sun want me to appear in their show. I received the following email from the unfortunately-named Mr Fico:

Dear ***,

Thanks for getting in touch with the show and for your very interesting
email!

Unfortunately, at the risk of disappointing you, "A Place In The Sun"
has not yet been re-commissioned by channel 4 for 2007, and is
therefore currently not looking for househunters.

However, should you be interested, our popular show “A Place in the
Sun-Home or Away” has been recommissioned by Channel 4 for a fourth
series and we are therefore currently looking for househunters
interested in buying in various locations across Europe.

In case you haven't seen it 'A Place in the Sun-Home or Away' is for
people who are looking to either relocate or buy a holiday home but are
torn between buying in the U.K or on the continent.

I've attached an application form for 'A Place in the Sun-Home-Away'
below in case you are interested. If you wish to be considered for this
programme please complete this form and return a.s.a.p. (if possible
please attach pictures of yourselves and your current house.)
Please note that only people who are torn between buying in the UK
and/or abroad will be considered.

If you are caught in just such a dilemma I look forward to reading why
you deserve the opportunity to appear on the show and to benefit from
the service provided by our team of expert foreign property
researchers!

Should you need to ask any questions please do not hesitate to contact
me via the details below.

I await your response in due course.

Kind regards,
Etc.

I got to work on the application form straight away as this looks like my chance to be free to pursue my other interests with likeminded friends without the noise of nagging, pop music or racial slurs. I have laid out my answers to the team below. I cannot fail to be chosen, I feel. After the usual personal questions (address & whatnot) the form continues thusly:

Relationship (husband and wife, friends…)
This is all rather academic as my intentions are to leave my family in the bosom of the state when I move abroad. I have other bosoms to concentrate on now. My likeminded friends will, I’m sure, be paying me visits in my Amsterdam property. I’ll charge competitive room rates and more importantly, I’ll clean up afterwards without asking questions.

Where and when did you meet?
We met at a protest march in Trafalgar Square re that whole Vietnam business. I remember the first time I saw her, jabbing a placard in my face and screaming the word “Pig” at me. I was volunteering for the police at the time. They kindly let me have a go at the water cannon and my future wife got 100lbs/psi of H2O right in the temple. I caught up with her by one of the lions. I asked her out for some tea & toast and she rather dazedly accepted. The rest, as they say, is history.

Names and ages of any children
My daughters no longer live at home. One of them is rather feeble minded, sadly, and so has had to enter a secure place where screaming, heavy medication and drab clothing are the order of the day. The other moved to Australia so she’s in much the same situation.

Hobbies and interests
I have many activities which occupy me throughout the day. I’d rather not go into them here if that’s okay. What a man does in the privacy of his own bathroom when everyone else is out of the house and the door is securely locked is, I feel, his own business.

Why are you planning to make a move? (eg. Holiday home, relocation, investment)
I need to be in a place where a man like myself freely pursue his hobbies. Or if not freely, then at a pre-agreed fee.

Are you looking for one property in either location or one in each?
Just the one in Amsterdam, thanks. As I say I’ve been paying my stamp for years so I think it’s time the government chipped in with somewhere to live for my family.

Please tell us about your dilemma and why you are torn between the UK and abroad?
To be brutally frank, there’s no dilemma for me at all. My heart belongs to the coffee houses, canals and a woman called Svenka of Amsterdam. But if it’ll make for better television I’m willing to scratch my head & dither a bit for the cameras.

Please tell us who prefers what and why?
UK: My wife, nephew and mother. I think they prefer the UK because they currently have somewhere to live there. All that’s about to change, but mum’s the word, eh?

Abroad: Me. Although I’d prefer it if you didn’t call Svenka “A broad.”

Where would you want to look at properties in the UK?
Well if we have to go through the whole charade I suppose we could have a shufty around Knightsbridge. Maybe the wife could do a bit of shopping while she still has the chance.

Why have you chosen those areas?
UK: For the sake of getting on the program but I dare swear you can come up with a decent reason for the show.
ABROAD: Anyone who has strolled through the bustling streets of Amsterdam at midnight, a relaxing cigarette in one hand and a Lithuanian buttock in the other, would know the answer to that question.

What type of property are you looking for? (No. of beds, land required etc.)
UK: Well I don’t think we’re going to get much in Knightsbridge for the amount of money my place will get. Nowhere with stairs, though. Let’s not tax ourselves, eh?

Abroad: A two-bed place overlooking the canals would be super. And if the walls are capable of holding quite heavy weights, that would be marvellous. We need not concern ourselves with why.

Are there any specific requirements for the area? (eg. Near beach, children’s facilities etc.)

Just a coffee shop, a canal and a nearby needle exchange (this is at Svenka’s request. She must be a keen knitter, I suppose.)

What efforts have you already made to find appropriate property?

Myself and a few likeminded friends spent a wonderful few days in Amsterdam recently. We toured the area extensively (although we never did get round to visiting any galleries or museums). I now have a good working knowledge of the upper stories of Amsterdam apartments (bedroom layouts, bathroom facilities, etc.)

Are there any dates between January and October 2007 when you would be unavailable for filming? (Filming takes place over 2 separate weeks)
Any time really, but better to make it during the summer. I often go away for a fortnight with my likeminded friends for a bit of a beano so it won’t raise too much suspicion with the family if we make it July-ish.

Do you own or know anyone who own a camcorder? (in case your application form moves onto the next stage, which is the completion of a screen test)
I do. I bought a rather fine one from Dixons last year after corresponding with their sales staff.
http://customerservice.blog.co.uk/2005/12/20/customer_service_vs_dixons~402199
I’d be loathe to lose some of the footage I have on there (as the lady in question has moved away now) but needs must, I suppose.

I’ve sent the form off and now just pray I get selected. I shall let you know their response as soon as it arrives.

As a retired man, my afternoons are often spent watching television. This, I feel, is the best time of day for TV. The shows on offer tend to have less of the unpleasant elements that later programs insist upon. My wife, for instance, seems unable to settle down in front of the box unless there is robust language, lesbians or John Hannah in it. And if I could work out how to set the parental controls on our receiver, I believe my nephew would give up on television altogether.

This sounds like the kind of thing for me. I wish to appear on their show and wrote to them thusly:

Dear Program makers,

First of all I’d like to say how much I enjoy your show. I don’t normally go anywhere near Channel 4. I had enough of violence, foul language and graphic displays of homosexual buggery during my time in the army when I was posted in Korea. Although your new presenter Jasmine Harman causes the kind of stirrings I’ve not felt since New Years Eve, 1981, when my wife got drunk and dressed up as Margaret Thatcher.

Your program is a far more gentle affair than a lot of Channel 4’s offerings. I see recently that they’ve allowed some guttersnipe in a house for the express purpose of shouting abuse at an overseas actress. My mother can’t get enough of the blighted woman, complaining only that she doesn’t go far enough and should start a one-woman pogrom. My mother is my cross (extremely cross, if anyone multiracial appears on the screen) to bear.

Anyway, I would really like to appear on your show. My mind is finally made up – I’ve had enough of Britain and would like to get away as soon as possible. My house is a semi detached affair at the end of a cul-de-sac. It’s a nice area, with good neighbours. A couple of years ago we had some people move in who we suspected of being Socialists but we soon dealt with that. I shan’t bore you with the tactics we employed and anyway, I fear that this email may be admissible in court.

I have three bedrooms and a good thing too as we’re currently at full capacity. My mother has the back bedroom and her slapdash attitude toward hygiene has turned the dry rot in the floorboards into wet rot. The room being used by my nephew will need fumigating, and a service by a priest might not go amiss. The room my wife and I use, however, is in pristine condition as nothing untoward ever happens in it.

What I’m looking for is to buy somewhere central in Amsterdam. I went there recently with a group of like-minded friends and must say it was an eye-opener. I felt like a teenager again and could have had one if I hadn’t spent all my money in the nightclub we’d just visited. The range of entertainment on offer is truly breathtaking. In fact, I saw a mask in a shop window for precisely that purpose. I wouldn’t need anywhere too big – a couple of bedrooms (I intend to convert one room to a new hobby I discovered while in Amsterdam) would suffice. I would also miss not having a potting shed, if you can find somewhere with one. A lot of tourists were talking about pot so I don’t see that being a problem.

One slight concern is how discreet you chaps can be. The thing is, I’d rather we went through the whole procedure without informing the rest of my family. They will no doubt become unreasonably upset when I tell them I have no intentions of taking them with me and I’d hate to have to go through the whole rigmarole of dealing with estate agents with them on my back, serving restraining orders, etc.

I also think it would be a smashing idea if I could spend a few days in the Hoerenbuurten getting my bearings. I’ll leave it up to you to arrange hotels, accomodation, etc. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours etc.

We had some workmen in over the weekend - my wife saw to them for most of the time, to be honest, as I couldn't recall any building work we needed doing. They did seem to be unusually pleased with themselves, despite having to work weekends. My wife is in a better mood than I've seen her for some time, too.

This Malone woman seemed a nice sort so I wrote to her thusly:

Dear Malone,

I read with great interest your article in the Sunday Mirror regarding your stay in the Big Brothel house. I don't normally stoop to tabloid television, or indeed tabloid newspapers, although my nephew subscribes to a sporting newspaper that comes out on a Sunday (They seem to focus exclusively on female sport. Naked female sport, apparently).

I feel your pain in having to live in an enclosed space for ten days with no entertainment or decent food. It must have been awful. And I imagine the hundreds of thousands of people around the country in bedsits for whom, thanks to unemployment/mental health problems/etc. face the rest of their lives doing the same, shared your sense of suffering. I certainly cannot look at your photo now without thinking about something unpleasant.

In fact, the description of your plight ("endless days", "tears of frustration" "exhaustion & terror") brought to mind the detainees of Guantanemo Bay. Like you, they were whisked away at short notice, had all their possessions confiscated and were dumped into cramped, confined quarters with other people. Okay, they've been there for years apparently (your newspaper doesn't seem too bothered about the situation - although you do cover far more fun stories like the ghosts of serial killers haunting prison cells) and you knew you'd be there for at most a month. Although blocking a month out of your diary might have been optimism bordering on arrogance. And those prisoners have, by and large, done nothing wrong whereas you may have made some questionable decisions when choosing an agent. And you chaps weren't sadistically beaten every day. Maybe they're saving that for next year? Fingers crossed.

But other than that, it was startlingly similar.

It must have been frustrating when that scruffy Cliff Richard-type knocked over your bean cans, causing you to lose track of days. It's a shame I wasn't in the house, as I am able to count further than three, so the whole catastrophe could have been avoided. It's nice to hear you got on with Shilpa Shetty because to the outside observer it might have appeared that you were a cowardly sycophant content to ride along with the status quo rather than question the other housemate's disgustingly racist attitude toward her. But she gave you some shoes, so that can't be true, obviously. Some of my best friends are Indian too, you know. Well, I say friends. Neighbours, really. Well, they were until my mother moved in. Her strident rants about the Raj became too much for them in the end.

Good to see you've cleared up your differences with Jade, too. I suppose once you get to know a person, rather than making sweeping assumptions, personal attacks and a nice wedge of cash whilst hiding behind the security of a by-line, you realise they're not such a bad egg after all. Even a common, bigoted, ignorant, dead-eyed creation like Jade.

So overall I'd like to say well done to you and the other housemates. You and they have certainly opened a lot of people's eyes to a lot of issues in society - the negligible worth of fame, the hypocrisy of the media, underlying racism and how bloody awful today's pop stars are.

Yours etc.

(With enormous thanks to the following blog for info - it's a very, very funny blog and worth a visit:

http://blog.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm)

There’s nothing I used to like more than a day out with a group of like-minded friends engaging in a good old-fashioned rally. The open air, the camaraderie, the bellowing at passers-by. You can see why the Germans loved them so much. So I was delighted to hear of the following rally due to take place in London:

and I wrote to him thusly:

Dear Christians,

May I first of all wish you a happy New Year. I hope the holiday season was a good one for you. We’re only just past Christmas and already the shops are filled with Easter goodies. Marvellous. If only Jesus had done something of note in August then we’d have something to look forward to every three months.

Anyway, I’m writing to you regarding the rally you’re organising against the government’s latest plan to force normal working people like ourselves to treat people as equals. I’m sure if some of them had done a bit of time in the army, as I have, they’d realise that not all people are created equal. Communal showers have a way of revealing that, if you understand me.

I wish I could come along to the rally myself, but unfortunately I will have to stay at home. My nephew has recently started smoking in his bedroom and I worry that if he’s left alone for five minutes he’ll burn the place to the ground. Ironically my elderly mother’s lower regions currently resemble a dramatic interlude from London’s Burning, such is her vague influence over her bodily functions these days. Between them the house should be safe but I’d rather not risk it.

I’d consider bringing mother with me but to be frank, Mr Omooba, I fear that this legislation would not be the only thing that would offend you on the march if she came along. She gets worse as she gets older and her current views would make Oswald Mosely blush.

My wife has refused to look after the house so I can go to the rally, calling your opposition to it “A disgraceful throwback to values of another era that have no place in an inclusive society and further evidence that organised religions must progress to address modern society or wither away.” I really wish I could deal with her in an Old Testament fashion sometimes, but the last time I tried I was laid up in bed for three days with a bag of frozen peas in my lap.

Unlike my wife, I think you make some good points. For instance, you say that Christians would never want to be homophobic out of bigotry or prejudice. Quite right, too. I think their terrible music and that Graham Norton chap are enough reasons to be getting on with, aren’t they?

Some might see your subsequent statement, that Christians should be free to discriminate against homosexuals to show them that we (and God) are right and they are wrong, as being contradictory. Some might even argue that it goes against the whole “Hate the sin, not the sinner” forgiveness part of Christianity. But not I. If they want to flounce about the place being in love with people with the same shaped body parts, then restricting their access to services, facilities and so on and generally treating them as inferior citizens should be the minimum punishment.

You ask us to consider a poor Christian couple running a B&B being forced under law to give a room to two people whose personal behaviour is no concern of theirs whatsoever. Horrible thought, isn’t it? It seems that the sign they used to be able to hang outside gets smaller all the time. It used to be “No blacks, poofs, Irish or dogs.” Now they can only ban dogs from their premises (unless David Blunkett or one of his lot show up, obviously).

I do hope the government take up your draft exception clause,

http://www.christianconcernforournation.co.uk/sor/docs/amendment1.doc

which basically says that discrimination is bad unless you’ve read a book saying it’s okay to do so. Although I do have to suggest that if your place of business could possibly “promote, facilitate, encourage or assist the practice of a sexual orientation” then you’re probably not running a very Christian shop to begin with and are more likely to be running a knocking shop or something.

Best wishes for the rally. I hope you get all you deserve.

Yours etc.

Sadly, the New Year does not find me in good spirits. Christmas was largely a dismal affair. The Queen’s Speech, normally the highlight of the day, was absolutely ruined when my mother insisted on having some form of seizure just when it was getting to the good bit about the Commonwealth. My wife was in an absolutely foul mood after the whole book token episode. And my nephew was sulking in his room after the Nintendo Wii he was expecting turned out to be a box with a note in it saying “Try using your imagination for a change”.

So now he’s ruined. But I intend to help him by organising a fundraising variety show. And we’re going to have some of the stuff you’re not allowed to see on TV anymore. Proper, old-fashioned variety. My friend loves Jim Davidson, the Black & White Minstrels, people hitting each other with ladders while putting up wallpaper. Things like that. I seem to remember him being quite keen on The Minipops when they were on Channel 4, too. What an extravaganza it’s going to be. I needed a venue so I emailed the Colchester Arts Centre thusly:

Dear Arts Centre,

I am writing to you to enquire how one might go about hiring your hall for an evening of variety some time later this year?

I intend it to be a charitable event, raising funds for a friend who has got himself in a little bit of bother and needs some financial assistance.

There are a few questions I need to ask about the facilities in the place before I choose your venue over the other fine venues in Essex. The Cliffs Pavilion in Southend, for instance, is hosting stars like Jethro, so I know they’re a class act, but your place is more convenient for my needs.

Any info you have on prices, availability, fire regulations, backstage bar/crèche facilities etc. would be gratefully received.

Yours etc.

After all the news coverage the murders in Ipswich has been getting, it’s good to know that one person finally talks some robust sense about the whole matter. Who else but Mr Richard Littlejohn?

A cracking read and I decided to let him know by writing to him thusly:

Dear Little John,

I read with interest your article in The Daily Mail about those dollymops being offed in Ipswich. At last somebody has the bravery to tell the truth about the matter. Congratulations, sir – your family must be proud of the common sense, compassion and sensitivity that you have brought to the Little John name. Especially when you consider that your surname sounds like a description of a diminutive customer of one of these ‘ladies’.

As you say, being brutally murdered and left on a cold patch of waste ground, stripped of their clothes, their dignity, their hope and the chance to turn their life around is what they agreed to when they first started accepting a pittance to be manhandled by fat sweaty middle-aged men (no offence).

I only wish other businesses would take a similar line with their employees. For instance, think of how profitable the construction industry could be without all that mucking about with hard hats and harnesses. They’d look a lot less like those Village People mob, too (and I think we’re in agreement here how much we dislike ‘those’ lot).

I imagine you wouldn’t complain if your employers got rid of their health and safety department, sold their fire alarm systems for scrap and risked using hazardous computer equipment. Although I don’t think any right-minded person, on reading your column, would want to imagine you screaming in agony with hot shards of jagged monitor glass sticking out of your face. In fact, if your employers did make those savings you could be paid more than your current salary of £700,000+. Which is cracking value, if I may say. I’d rather see you get that money then, say, 45 nurses every year. What do they know about immigration? Apart from the thousands of immigrants whose hard work holds up the NHS, obviously. And okay, just like those Ipswich tarts they’re not going to find a cure for cancer. They’re only going to minister to those suffering from it. But can they write a funny article about poofs and Gipsies? I think not. Anyway, I digress.

Glad to hear you say those women were on the streets through choice. Quite right. Just like homeless people, they had the choice to live a normal, decent, Christian life and instead chose to live a life of harrowing hardship, daily brutality and a hollow lack of hope. Lord knows what got into them (many ‘experts’ suggest a member of their own family at an impressionable age). I once decided to go to Peterborough for a sales conference but I’d hardly make the kind of decisions those women made. It’s almost as if they were driven to it through a combination of a poor education system, lack of opportunity and a woefully under funded social support network. But obviously that’s not the case. They simply decided they’d quite like to live out their short life in squalid despair. Madness.

I’m interested in these massage parlours you mention. You clearly have a far greater knowledge of their whereabouts and what goes on in them than I. Would you have further details? We need not go into the reasons for me asking this.

“Disgusting, street-addled whores” is a smashing bit of writing, by the way. I’m sure their families will get a real kick out of reading that. So much more descriptive than “Daughter” or “Mother” or “Sister” or somesuch. Should your own children (Or are you a confirmed bachelor? None of my business, I suppose. Prying into private lives is more your end of things, really) end up fellating dockers for spare change, I’m sure you’ll come up with something even better.

And bravo on giving Tony Blair a swift boot at the end. I can’t begin to imagine what kind of mind you’d need to use the deaths of five women to have a pop at him, but you’ve clearly got one.

Keep up the work. With people like you in positions of journalistic power, it’s only a matter of time before this country is they way Baroness Thatcher, god rest her immortal soul (Although is she actually dead yet? I’m not sure) would want it to be.

Yours etc.

As the Christmas season is upon us, and goodwill is all around, I was gladdened that one of my like-minded friends was thoughtful enough to forward me a delightful poem that was apparently in the news some time ago:

As you can see, it really is hysterical. He was sent it by a lovely lady whom I shall merely refer to as Lisa. I don’t think it’s right to bandy a woman’s name about. Not that I’m implying she’s bandy, of course. I wrote to her thusly:

Dear Lisa,

I was forwarded the ditty on immigration and I must say it really brightened my day.

I was a little concerned about some of this fine work, however. I notice that many of the terms used (“welfare”, “yard”, “truck” “aliens” etc.) seem to be American in origin, leading me to believe that the poem was written by an American. I do hope we’re not celebrating the work of a foreigner here. Okay, they may look the same as us but nevertheless, they’re still invaders to these shores. Especially near Harrods.

Also, I note that you say the country is getting full. I’m sure I read somewhere that we’re the 48th most populous country in the world, Countries more densely populated than us include Grenada, Samao and Barbados, which never really struck me as concreted high-rise hellholes, to be honest. Still, you know best. I’m assuming.

I showed the poem to my wife and I have to say she was less impressed than I. She’s a rather strident woman, the kind of person who won’t even allow me to watch re-runs of “Love Thy Neighbour” in peace. She was really picky about your poem, insisting on using facts and research rather than common sense. Just listen to some of the nonsense she wrote:

“The poem states that immigrants ‘love breeding’ but there has been little change in the under-20 population since 1990 (http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=716). The national statistic centre also said this:
“In Great Britain, there has been an increase in the proportion of dependent children living in lone parent families with 23 per cent of dependent children living in a lone parent family in 2001 compared with 18 per cent in 1991. Couple families were relatively most frequent among Indian, Pakistani and Bangladeshi headed households.”
In other words, the greatest population increase from one-parent families has come from traditionally non-ethnic households.

As for the idea that benefit-claiming is all immigrants do, this is what the National Statistic Centre found:
The proportion of working-age people living in workless households was lowest for the Indian ethnic group, at 6.8 per cent; while 11.0 per cent of those in the white ethnic group lived in a workless household.
So ‘welfare scroungers’ are more likely to be white than Indian.”

To be honest, my wife went on in this vein for some time. I switched off after a while. Jack Smethurst had just dressed up as a Zulu to scare his neighbour. He does make me laugh.

It’s good to see a strong Christian message being circulated at this time of year. What would a Muslim know about the Christian concept of charity? Apart from Zakat, one of the five pillars of the Muslim faith, obviously.

There are literally dozens of respected organisations that might accuse you of spreading racial hatred, but I’m not one of them. And if you have somebody as sensible as me on your side, you know you can’t be wrong, eh?

Merry Christmas. Peace on you all.

UPDATE:
Well Lisa really is a very keen correspondent! A reply the very same day!

Well Hello Nick & Unnamed Wife,
So the Illegal Immigrant Poem seems to doing the rounds with my name attached now

...I don't suppose you will want to share who gave you my email details? Don't bother... I think it is obvious... it must be the same person that has emailed me at least 5 times this morning (I have not responded to her at all) and emailed all my contacts without my permission at least twice and she has now threatened us all with the following...

I shall forward ANY literature (including the poem) and senders details to the University authorities and to Searchlight – an anti-racist organisation that you may find interesting.

Perhaps she wants me to reply to you instead?
You seem to be very interested in statistics... do you know what Disraeli said about Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics?
With so many illegal immigrants here how can a argument based on numbers possibly stand up to scrutiny?
My last word on the subject was as follows...
I think you are missing the point, I have repeatedly said that I and most English people are tolerant towards immigrants in real need... like your Rwandan friend or my Syrian friends who have had their families brutally murdered and who are distressed at the fact that they cannot stay in their beloved homeland
... it is the thousands of spongers who we question have the right to our council houses, our benefits, our land... especially those who are here planning to make this a muslim country by force and those here illegally who are not included in the statistics you quote... the BBC have recently showed how easy it is to get a false passport and gain entry and get all the benefits that are fast running out... !
My grandparents who fought for our freedom and paid into the NHS & Welfare Benefit system for their children and their children's children are turning in their graves!
Let's make a New Years Resolution for 2007 to wake up and call a halt to this madness.
Let me take this opportunity to wish you a Happy & Prosperous New Year for 2007.
Seasons Greetings!
Lisa ______

There followed some very interesting anecdotes, which I have edited, of people being shoved on the bus by a foreigner, an old soldier who doesn’t like seeing so many variations of skin colour on the street. Stuff like that. Most heartwarming. I replied thusly:

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for the quick reply – our type needs to stick together, don’t you feel?

Not sure if your email has been ‘doing the rounds’ (a term once used in relation to my daughter and one I’m not terribly keen on) but a like-minded friend certainly thought I’d enjoy it, yes. He attached your name to the email, I think, because your name was on it and you’d sent it. Odd behaviour, I know, but there you are.

This whole email business is a bit fraught though, don’t you think? The problem is, I feel, that people will assume that if you express very strong and, to some muddle-headed Trotskyists, outdated views in an email, that you can assume this is how you actually view things. Nonsense.

Not sure about this person who has been emailing you all the time – I can only assume her housework is done for the day. I tend not to let my wife near the computer until early evening. At least that gives me the chance to ensure the websites my nephew has been visiting don’t pop up (a rather apt term, I feel) while she’s studying for her book club. But to threaten you in that manner does seem rather harsh. Regardless of what the law, civil liberties groups and employment procedure might think.

I’m happy for you to reply to me though, obviously. Nice to hear somebody talking some sense for a change. Although I should point out it’s the wife who has an interest in statistics. She seems to think facts are the way forward to understanding society. I know, I know. Madness. I agree with Disraeli too, despite his immigrant background.

You’re right, of course, that my wife cannot use facts to support an argument – how ridiculous. We do not know how many illegal immigrants are in this country, although the Home Office seems to think it does and puts the figure at roughly 430,000. Or put another way, Sheffield. Frightening though, eh? A huge, sprawling metropolis the sheer scale of Sheffield made up of low-paid folk with virtually no access to support services? Makes the skin crawl.

Glad to hear you’re tolerant toward immigrants. I tolerate next door playing the trumpet at 8am, I tolerate my hayfever during the summer and it’s good to see you tolerate the influx of people into this country since the Romans in the same manner. It’s the spongers we need to look out for. The people who do little jobs on the side while their husband works. Things like that. Although with no figures on what proportion of fraud is caused by illegal immigrants available, we’re going to have to rely on anecdotes, which is where I usually form my opinions (unlike my fact-obsessed wife).

And it’s always best to assume that absolute worst, isn’t it? I’d rather ten needy people and one scrounger starved to death than ten needy people get benefits along with one scrounger, wouldn’t you?

So yes, let’s call a halt to the madness. We should close the borders. None shall enter. We should follow the example of two countries with the lowest rates of immigrants in the world – The Phillipines and Guyana. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Imagine our country sharing their quality of life? All that lovely hot weather, for a start.

Seasonal greetings.

Yours etc.

The festive season is fast approaching and soon my daughter will be flying home from Sydney with her pal Spike. I had a few concerns regarding the flight and therefore wrote to Qantas thusly:

Dear Qantas

Where’s the ‘u’ gone? I know that Australia is a long way from the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary, but that’s still no excuse.

Anyway, to business. My daughter will be using your airline in a couple of week’s time. She is flying from Sydney to England, along with her female flatmate and very close chum Spike. I’ve had to endure some fairly base comments down the bridge club regarding their relationship. Some people cannot see two single women sharing a one-bedroom flat without drawing unpleasant conclusions. One particular fellow wouldn’t leave it alone and it was only my pointing out that at least my daughter hasn’t died of bulimia (as his did) that caused him to desist. I feel he overreacted to that comment, personally. If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t dish it out. Although in the case of his daughter there was no point in dishing anything out as she’d only vomit it back up into a shopping bag shortly afterwards.

My daughter and Spike are coming to see us for the Christmas period and also apparently have some news they wish to tell us in person. The only clue they would give is that it involves some sort of civil ceremony. I’m delighted, as a good steady job in civil service is just the sort of thing I’d hope for my daughter.

My concern is for the pair of them on the long flight home. My daughter has always been a picky eater (not as bad as my bridge club compatriot’s daughter, admittedly) and I was pondering what she would like to eat on the flight. The suggestion my nephew made caused him to be grounded for a week. I don’t know where he gets it from, I really don’t. I wondered whether you could do a vegetarian meal for her? I think it’s a fad, personally, and I’m sure that come Christmas lunch she won’t be able to resist the traditional meat and two veg (Sadly, I also said this in earshot of my nephew. He’s not getting his Playstation back until he apologises).

On the subject of food, I wondered whether there is an excess charge for larger passengers? Spike is not a small girl and what with her numerous tattoos she resembles a blob of blu-tac rolled across a newspaper. I could ask my daughter whether Spike could possibly lay off the barbecues for the next couple of weeks if this is going to cause a problem.

Also, what with the heightened security on flights since those chaps parked their jets into the side of those buildings, I’m a little concerned about Spike & my daughter’s various piercings. Some of them look absolutely lethal and I’m worried that a jetlagged cabin crew member could mistake Spike for some sort of human limpet mine and go berserk. I’ve asked my daughter whether she could remove them for the flight but she said something about her piercings enhancing her enjoyment with Spike. So I expect they’ll spend the whole flight comparing jewellery. Girls will be girls, I suppose.

Anyway, if you could let me know about the above queries I would be eternally grateful. Good day, gobber, as you chaps would say.

Yours etc.

They don’t hang about, these airline types, and I was gratified to receive a reply quicker than you could say “Strewth. What’s that dingo got in his mouth?”

Dear Mr ________,

We refer to your below e-mail and due to your daughter's requirements we
suggest you contact our local office with your enquiries :

http://www.qantas.com.au/needhelp/dyn/contacts/teleSalesContacts

Please also note QANTAS is an acronym for Queensland and Northern Territory
Aerial Services.

In anticipation we thankyou for your feedback.

Kind regards
Qantas Network Operations

The above address led me to one of those awful call centres where one ends up listening to Mantovani played by a pocket calculator for half an hour. I much prefer the written word and so replied thusly:

Dear Qantas,

I hope you do not mind if I reply via email. I have tried using call centres in the past and have not much cared for the experience. If I wanted to listen to awful music for hours on end before conversing with an unmotivated teenager I would go and sit in my nephew’s bedroom. I’d have to brush all the socks off his bed first, though. How he gets his socks in such a state I cannot begin to imagine.

I wasn’t aware that QANTAS was an acronym. After my experience of flying with BA, which culminated in me being bundled off the plane in Belgium after accidentally brushing against the bottom of a stewardess several times, I can only assume their company name is an acronym for Bloody Awful. Excuse my language.

My daughter and Spike have informed me that they have sorted out their dietary requirements for the flight, so no need to panic. They don’t actually plan to eat on the plane, and I hope when the cabin staff are handing around the barbecued chicken and whatnot and Spike refuses, they won’t be offended. Frankly, given her stature, I think they’re more likely to be amazed.

I apologise for the biological nature of this, but apparently, the girls will be swallowing something before their flight that they don’t wish to pass until they’re in England. An unusual thing to be patriotic about, I know, but there you are.

I spoke to some like-minded friends who told me that overweight people do not incur extra freight charges, so that has eased my mind. A missed business opportunity for the US airlines, though, wouldn’t you say? And the majority of their piercings will have to be removed in order to get through the metal detector, so we can stand easy on that, too. The girls walk around with more metal in them than an Iraqi civilian running away from a US troop.

Do you have any idea what film will be showing on the flight? The girls said they’d love it if you could dig out the following: “Bound”, “Gia”, “Boys Don’t Cry” or “The Killing Of Sister George”. An odd mix, I thought, but see what you can do.

Incidentally, your cricket chaps. Not funny. Not funny in the slightest. We invented the damned game after all.

Yours etc.

Some people just have no manners:

I wrote to support my government thusly:

Dear Home Office,

I see the detainees were creating a bit of a stink in the Harmondsworth detention centre last night. I am writing to say that I find the whole situation to be absolutely disgusting. How dare these people, many of whom I’m reliably informed can’t even speak English, come over here unannounced and start creating such a ruckus?

I paint a purely hypothetical scenario. Imagine, if you will, going to visit your cousin for the day. You have a pleasant enough time, despite the fact they cook as if they had a personal grudge against food, and then you drive home. As you park your Volvo in the driveway and get out, you notice that your cousin has strapped himself to the roof rack while your attention was diverted retuning the car stereo to Radio 4 from whatever benighted racket your nephew had selected. Said cousin hops down off the car, and demands you put him up for a few days until he finds somewhere else to live. You’d be livid, wouldn’t you? I was, or rather would be, certainly.

Nevertheless, you put him up for the night in the spare room. And what do you find when you wake the next day? He has sprayed the walls with his own (presumably) faeces and set fire to the bed. Well that is hardly the behaviour of a good houseguest now is it? And you would be well within your rights to send him packing with a flea in his ear and a dry-cleaning bill in his pocket.

Now this is the same situation we find ourselves in with Harmondsworth. Granted, my cousin is unlikely to be fleeing from religious oppression, death threats or ethnic cleansing (although he does live in Croydon), but I think the analogy holds. I don’t feel that just because these people fear all manner of human rights abuses in their own country that excuses bad manners. Okay, they might fear false imprisonment (In their own country, not here. We’re merely detaining them. Totally different thing you understand) but is committing suicide going to help things? Of course not.

And so what if some of the guards take a firm line with their charges? Okay, not wanting to live in poverty and fear doesn’t make a detainee a criminal but you can see how the guards get a bit confused. And who could criticise a prison (or rather, detention centre) guard from giving prisoners (or rather detainees) the occasional slap? Not I.

I do think there is a possible solution, if you’d like to hear it. I read an article today about the RSPB.

( http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/6191410.stm )

I’m now an ex-twitcher myself, after all that silly business with the nurses’ home. I was watching the top floor of their accommodation because it had a stork on. I said this to the police when they arrived but I fear they may have misheard. Anyway, I hear the RSPB have bought a sizeable plot of land in Poland because some sort of rare bird lives there. My wife feels it’s a shame that the £400,000 spent by the RSPB (from public donations) couldn’t be spent on providing a better life for human beings but she’s a sentimental sort that way.

According to my like-minded friends and the newspaper I take, most of these immigrant sorts are from that neck of the woods, or as near as makes no difference (Ukraine or what have you). Why not use this apparently very pretty piece of land to release the immigrants back into their natural environment? I’m sure they’d love it there. Now I’m not going so far as to suggest turning it into some sort of human safari park to ensure it stays self-funding. That’s hardly my job. But I would merely ask you bear it in mind.

Anyway, keep up the good work arresting terrorists and what have you. And don’t let people get you down. You can’t be right all the time.

Yours etc.

It’s always good to see our betters thinking up new ways to tell us how to behave ourselves properly. If only we listened to them a bit more often and stopped asking impertinent questions, this country would be in a far better state. Tory leader David Cameron recently launched just such a scheme:

and to congratulate him I wrote thusly:

Dear Mr Cameron,

Your campaign urging people to ignore ‘tossers’ is an excellent idea. No doubt that balding smart-alec on Have We Got The News For You will turn this around, saying something snide like “Well if everyone does that, Cameron will never be prime minister”. Then whoever is hosting the wretched show (Kate Thornton or some such) will give him two points. If they dislike politics so much, why do they keep going on about it?

Anyway, I have instituted the scheme in my own house with admittedly mixed results. My nephew insisted on having a broad band for his computer. Apparently this makes sending emails quicker or something. As I occasionally use his computer to look up special interest web sites which need not concern us here, I decided to agree. But after seeing how much it costs each month I decided to cancel the broad band to my nephew’s computer. So already we have one less tosser in our house.

Next up was my mother, who has moved in with us due to her inability to do most everyday tasks – such as cooking, cleaning (herself or her environs) or talking to ethnic minorities without offending them. Spurred on by your campaign as well as the recent campaign by our energy supplier, I have switched the central heating off and removed the dial to the thermostat. My mother used to have this place like Korea, where I was stationed while in the army. Although there isn’t a brothel quite so close to our house as there was to the barracks. At least I don’t think there is.

Mother has screamed blue murder over this, asking if I want her to die of hypothermia. I don’t think it’s fair to ask such leading questions, but I politely ignored her and tossed her another blanket. She was always simultaneously blathering on about the good old days AND how hard she had it as a child. Well she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it now.

Next was the toughest nut to crack – my wife. Every day I count my blessings for having such a wonderful creature in my life but there are days when I envy Helen Keller’s other half. She told me in no uncertain terms that her toiletries, bus fare to her book club and so on did not count as luxuries. I explained your campaign to her but all I got was a lengthy tirade along the lines of “It reeks of rank hypocrisy that a Tory leader should tell us not to get into debt when his party, when it was in power, sold off every asset the country had and still drove the economy to the brink of collapse”.

Women and politics really don’t mix, do they? Apart from Baroness Thatcher, obviously, although I’m not sure she counts. To get away from the constant complaining in my household I and a few like-minded friends have booked a few days holiday in Amsterdam. Apparently there’s some late-night ping-pong tournament one of the chaps wants to see.

Anyway, keep up the good work, whatever it is you do and good luck for the elections.

Yours etc.

Those nice people at the Tory Party replied to my letter, as shown below:

Dear Mr -------,

Thank you for emailing David Cameron – I am replying on his behalf.

Thank you for your feedback on the Sort-it campaign. This is about doing rather than just talking. The sort-it campaign is not a political campaign. It’s about getting people to think about their own social responsibilities.

We don’t believe that in Opposition all you can do is talk about what you might do in Government. That’s why we’ve developed the Young Adult Trust; that’s why Conservative candidates are creating their own local social action projects around the country; and that’s why we’ve launched the sort-it campaign.

Thank you again for your email,

Yours sincerely,

David Beal
Correspondence Secretary
David Cameron's Office
House of Commons
London SW1A 0AA
www.conservatives.com

Nice to see my support is appreciated and I let them know as much by writing thusly:

Dear Mr Beal,
Thank you for getting back to me. I just want to let you know that the economy drive in our house is now in full swing. As you say, campaigns are about doing rather than just talking and if your party are ever allowed to run this country again, I’m sure you’ll do a lot to it.

Our family have completely jettisoned any unnecessary spending. We now shop at Kwik Save and while it does resemble a Jeremy Kyle special on supermarkets, they do have some remarkable bargains. My wretched nephew complains that the value soap powder (99p for 5 kilos – imagine that!) has caused his eczema to flare up to the point he looks like a sunburnt Simon Weston. But we all have to make our sacrifices. I, for instance, am having to survive on Gordon’s gin and generic tonic water, rather than my usual Tanqueray and Schweppes. But do I complain? Well after a few of them I have been known to berate my wife slightly, but not often. My wife seldom talks to me these days, anyway, which is a blessing in disguise if truth be known. Our new brand of shampoo is very cheap but it does make her look like one of the Jackson Five.

And of course my mother is taking all of this very hard. In order to instil a bit of the Blitz spirit into her I’ve moved her out to the garden shed (or ‘Anderson Shelter’ as we now call it) with a crash helmet and a box of egg powder. I think it’s worked as I haven’t heard her complain since (although that could be down to the double glazing).

I wondered how you chaps are managing with cost cutting? I read somewhere that your party is thirty million pounds in debt, which seems odd especially given the 66% pay rise you recently awarded yourself. Although I suppose it’s harder to get the old brown envelopes stuffed with cash when you’ve no peerages to offer. Perhaps you need to do some cost-cutting yourself? You haven’t got nearly as many MP’s as you used to, so perhaps you could scale down your operation a bit? Just a thought.

Anyway, keep plugging away at the politics. You’ve come on in leaps and bounds over the last few months and I’m confident you’ll soon get the hang of it.

Yours, etc.

I’ve always felt that my forthright views should be used in the political arena and the response below shows that I’ve always been right. It’s good to see they’re listening to the man in the street (Not tramps, obviously, unless they were formulating a policy on falling over or vomit.) I’m now clearly part of their wider think tank. Expect some sensible policy changes from the Tory party in the near future, as long as they continue to take my suggestions on board.

Dear Mr ______,

Thank you for your response - which has been noted.

Yours sincerely,

Alice Sheffield
David Cameron's Office
House of Commons
London SW1A 0AA