The Customer Is Always Right

I like to think I keep my finger on a pulse. And that pulse is modern television. So imagine my joy to hear that a right-wing religious organisation was making sure programs that disagreed with them would never be aired:

Dear Catholics,

I recently read a news article that stated you were instrumental in having an episode of the so-called ‘comedy’ “South Park” cancelled after it depicted a statue of the virgin mary bleeding from her bottom.

(http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/dec05/southpark601202.php - not included in letter)

I wanted to know more about an organization that would take such a bold and forward-thinking step so took a look on the internet (Which is a wonderful thing, don’t you think? I use my nephew’s computer although he always has to fuss about with it for five minutes before I use it. I can’t imagine what he’d be looking at on the internet that he wouldn’t want me to know about.)

Can I say that you fellows are doing a sterling job? I wish that we had an organization like yours in this country. I was pleased to hear your glorious leader Mr. Donahue (Is this the same gent who hosted that chat show where people voiced their opinions loudly? Never could see the appeal myself) speak out about the important issues affecting everyday folk like myself.

For instance, Mr Donahue criticized that awful song “What If God Was One Of Us?” Quite right too. I’ve never heard such anodyne warblings in all my chuff. In my day you had Jimi Hendrix and Eric Clapton. I think it’s disgraceful that such twaddle is allowed on the air. Well done you.
(http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1252/is_n12_v123/ai_18420062 - not included in letter)

More recently he stood up for our honest, humble and mostly harmless priests. He correctly pointed out that the whole so-called “sexual abuse scandal” in the Catholic Church was, in fact “A homosexual scandal, not a paedophilia scandal”. An important distinction to make, I think.

If one of those kindly priests took a fancy to one of the young boys in their charge, it’s important to point out it was for their supple, burgeoning, manhood. Not for their smooth, hairless androgynous bodies. Over here, being a homosexual is viewed as a lesser crime than being a paedophile (I know. Crazy!) I assume that’s the case in your country too and Mr Donahue was cleverly “Copping a plea to a lesser charge” as I heard them say on Hill Street Blues once. Very canny, that.

I imagine that the many children that led our officers of God into temptation would be comforted to learn that they’d been groped by a puff rather than a nonce (These are English expressions, by the way. Feel free to use them yourself.)

Speaking of homosexuals, I read that Mr Donahue once said “I'm pretty good about picking out who queers are…I'm usually pretty good at that.” Has he ever thought of missionary work amongst the Catholic staff? He could weed out the several thousand rotten eggs that spoil the barrel for the rest. A bit like Vincent Price in “WitchFinder General”. Mr Donahue turns up at the local church. Speaks to priest. Looks up at DVD shelf. Sees an excess of Judy Garland. And Bob’s your Uncle. You’re fired, your grace.

His queer-finding abilities (I believe I’ve heard my nephew call it “Gaydar”. Not sure why) were mentioned in relation to “The Passion Of The Christ.” Rather too much gore and bondage in it for my liking, but each to their own. In the same interview, I see Mr Donahue said that “Hollywood likes anal sex. Hollywood likes abortions.” When the wife and I went there on holiday we saw neither but I’ll take his word for it. However, this does raise the question - if Hollywood is so cock-a-hoop (if you’ll forgive the expression) about anal sex, why does it need to have abortions? I leave the whole reproduction side of things to the wife but I’m fairly sure this isn’t how babies are made.

Finally, congratulations on getting the episode of South Park banned. Can I just ask Mr Donahue to clarify one thing, though? He has asserted that “Hollywood likes anal sex” (and I’m sure I’ve seen a video of that title in my nephew’s bedroom). The episode in question shows a statue of virgin mary bleeding out of her bottom. Are the South Park lot suggesting that virgin mary likes anal sex too? Because that is just shocking. Although it may go to explain how she remained, strictly speaking, a ‘virgin’.

Keep up the excellent work!

Yours etc.

(Most of the quotes and opinions of Donahue and his organisation can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_A._Donohue)

Christmas is nearly upon us, and the wife is making the usual bleating noises regarding gifts. I felt Dixons could provide the answer and wrote to them accordingly:

Dear Dixon

As you can see by the format of this communication, I have been forced to
enter the new era in technology. The black & white television that had
served me well for thirty years was the first casualty. It was only when
John Craven started looking like a hobbit that I realized that the tube
might have been on its way out. So, I can now enjoy the full extent of the
various ill-judged clothing decisions made by the parishioners on 'Songs Of
Praise' in all their glory.

My nephew eventually convinced me that computers were not just the preserve
of the socially inept and has introduced me to the delights of the
internalnet. Using his computer terminal I can write to my daughter in
Australia in a matter of seconds without the usual ordeal of Post Office
queues, fiddly stamps and recalcitrant staff. She will insist on sending me
photographs of her new life, which features a few too many piercings for my
liking. Her female flat-mate seems to like them, so no matter.

While using his computer terminal (I'm pleased to see he is finally doing
something about his atrocious acne, if the amount of websites about
'facials' is anything to go by) I noticed that it is now possible to order
goods from a computer and have them delivered to your home. This is the
reason for my missive.

I'm considering the purchase of a moving camera to record the various antics
of my grandchildren. I was wondering whether such an item could be bought in
this manner and delivered to my home?

I look forward to your reply.

Yours etc.

Dixons are obviously doing a roaring trade as it was some days before I received my reply:

Dear Sir/Madam

Thank you for your e-mail that was brought to my attention this afternoon.
Please accept my apologies in my delay of response.

For more infomation about ordering products online, you can call our sales
department on 0845 8500 535

Kind Regards

Deborah Whyke
Customer Services

"Sir/Madam"? There hasn't been that kind of confusion since I was in the army. Nevertheless, I replied:

Dear Ms Whyke,

Please don't apologise for the late arrival of your reply. I didn't think you were ignoring me, although the same cannot be said on the few occasions I have visited your stores. Trying to attract the attention of some of your sales staff is rather akin to trying to get the Sphinx to blink.

I trust there is still time for my order to be delivered before Christmas. Following an indiscretion at the staff Christmas party, I feel that handing my wife a consignment note and a kiss will meet with a frosty reception. As mentioned earlier, I'm after a camera, the smaller the better. It may, on occasion, need to be used from a confined spot (there's a hat box on top of our bedroom wardrobe that might do the trick) so something that can be remotely controlled would be even better. Any recommendations would be appreciated.

Finally, may I ask whether you are in fact the rather fetching lady currently appearing in the Dixons advertising campaign? I must say that the catsuit is a first-rate outfit. The wife always harrumphs when the advert comes on, which spoils my enjoyment somewhat. Maybe I could film the advert with the new camera and enjoy it at my leisure when she is at her book club meetings? It's a thought, certainly.

Anyway, I look forward to your reply and wish you all the very best for the forthcoming festivities. Be careful with the seasonal treats, though. That catsuit looks a rather unforgiving item of apparel.

Yours etc.

Well, the good people of Dixons finally replied to my requests. Sadly, not in time for Christmas Day. As predicted, the wife was not best pleased with her gift. Although I’d have thought she would have been grateful, especially as she spent the majority of the day in the kitchen anyway.

Dear Mr Pettigrew

Thank you for your e mail, which has just come to my attention, and in
time to cheer me up on boxing day.

I hope you have been able to get your camera delivered on time. The
consequences of that extra glass of cooking sherry at the staff party
can often be most unfortunate.

The lady in the Dixons advert is not Miss Whyke, but in fact Mr Alan Fraddon
one of our correspondance advisors. This fact is not generally known.

Should you have been watching Songs of Praise yesterday from the Albert Hall
you may have noticed a disagreeable looking lady with an unusual squint and
orange wig singing with the tenors. This was Miss Whyke, blink however ,and you
would have missed her .

Thank you for writing to us

Kind regards and best wishes for
the new year

John Silverton
Customer Services

Disturbing news, but I thought it only polite to reply:

Dear Mr Silverton,

"Alan Fraddon" you say? Oh dear. Well that's one more thing to discuss in confession this Sunday. Hopefully it's not a mortal sin if you don't know it's a man. That's the party line we used when our unit was stationed in Korea, certainly.

I now switch over as soon as your advert comes on. I trust you will not take offence at this.

A very happy New Year to all the staff at Dixons. Even Mr Fraddon, I suppose.

Yours etc.

(PS: He doesn't have a brother working in the Oddbins in Wandsworth, does he? I've always had my doubts about Gloria, to be honest.)

I was delighted to hear of Arnie's recent decision to execute Stanley 'Tookie' Williams:

and decided to write to Governor Schwarzenegger to show my support:

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,

I am writing to you as a British citizen who is very pleased to hear of your stance on the so-called "Reformed character, humanitarian campaigner & multi-nominated Nobel Prize contender" Stanley Tookie Williams.

His (former) associates, which include such known dissidents as Snoop Dogg, Desmond Tutu and Nelson Mandela (an ex-convict himself, lest we forget) would try to have us believe that Williams was a different person, peaceful and contrite. Which is very easy to do when an armed guard patrols your cell every five minutes!

However, their can be no excuse for murder, unless it is within the confines of the legal system. Williams was a murderer and as the Bible says "Those who live by the sword die by the sword." Sobering words indeed.

In this country, there is no death penalty. Criminals are allowed to roam free, stealing cars, getting drunk and generally behaving like the marauding Nazi army of the 1930's. I feel our legal system can learn much from the Californian model. Certainly, there would be far less "Miscarriage of justice" freeing of prisoners had the death penalty been retained.

In summary, I applaud your decision to execute Williams and hope it sends out a message, both in your country and abroad, that people cannot get away with murder.

I organize a small party of like-minded individuals who seek to have the death penalty reinstated in the UK and would be honoured to receive any support you may be able to give us. If only we had a hundred like you! The catering bill would be astronomical, but money well-spent, I feel.

I await your response eagerly.

Yours, etc.

The governor was clearly busy in the run-up to Christmas, so he had one of the ladies in his office reply:

As the Governor's Legal Affairs Secretary, I have been asked to respond to your email concerning Stanley Williams.

Clemency decisions are always difficult, and the case of Mr. Williams was certainly no exception. Governor Schwarzenegger studied the evidence, reviewed the history, and thoroughly considered the views and arguments presented before making a determination in this matter. A great deal of time and thought went into the Governor's decision, and it was only after careful deliberation that he concluded clemency in Mr. Williams' case was unjustified. The Governor's statement of decision is available at www.governor.ca.gov.

We acknowledge your views and comments in this matter and appreciate you taking the time to share them. On behalf of the Governor, thank you for writing.

Sincerely,

ANDREA LYNN HOCH
Legal Affairs Secretary

I was glad to see we were on the same wavelength and spared no time in letting the offices of the Governor know:

Dear Ms Hoch,

Thank you for your prompt response.

It must, as you said, have been a very difficult decision to kill Stanley Williams. Very difficult indeed. The governor had to ignore the overwhelming support Mr Williams had received from various so-called humanitarian organizations (as well as the petition signed by over 170,000 of his own Californian constituents asking for a temporary suspension of executions. There's gratitude for you!).

He also risked condemnation from the majority of people who, for some reason, view injecting a human being with poison in front of an audience as somehow barbaric, obscene or medieval. I applaud his determined stance.

Clemency is something that needs to be earned, not simply given out to people on the basis that they have renounced violence and campaigned for peace. As somebody who has variously been accused of being a neo-Nazi, cocaine user, adulterer and sex pest, he must surely know more about the power of forgiveness than most people. I certainly know how he feels. I once came home from the office party with a photocopy of my secretary's bottom in my breast pocket and have been paying the price ever since.

I often think it's sad that real science has yet to catch up with film science. If only the governor could have gone back in time to when Williams was a child and killed him then. He could even have dressed up like the robot in "The Exterminator" for added effect.

Williams was a burly fellow, much like the governor, at the time of his death. But I'm sure the governor would have been able to snap his (for argument's sake) eight-year-old neck like a twig. This would have saved the lives of his alleged victims as well as a lot of legal and prison costs. For instance, I'm sure removing all the non-Caucasians from the jury at Williams' trial couldn't have come cheap!

Sadly, this is not yet feasible, so we have to maintain the appearance of a fair trial by a jury of one's peers. Although I do feel that the scumbags who recently scraped the paint on my car should have been made to fast forward to the punishment end of the judicial system.

Keep fighting the good fight, Governor Schwarzenegger. "They'll be back"? Not after an armful of Potassium Chloride, they won't!

I await your response eagerly. We are all big fans of your work here. Some of us like your films, too.

Yours etc.

I hope he has a peaceful Christmas. Although with that enormous car he drives, I fear this may be unlikely...

My nephew, who quite frankly is a lazy little hound, is in need of the steady hand of employment. I felt Asda would be the perfect place to provide said employment:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I was wondering whether you could furnish me with the answer to a query? My teenaged nephew is, sadly, an indolent youth who seems to feel his raison d etre in life is shooting prostitutes and stealing cars. My sister assures me this is entirely via the medium of computer games, which is some sort of comfort I suppose.

Nevertheless, I feel that his outlook in life would be vastly broadened by some sort of work experience scheme. I was wondering to whom I should forward his details (he would do it himself if he could be pried out of his bedroom for five minutes) in order to register him for just such a scheme.

May I also take this opportunity to congratulate you on your cheese counter. Absolutely first rate.

Yours, etc.

They replied promptly:

Thank you for your message.

Dear Mr Pettigrew

Thank you for your e-mail to ASDA Customer Relations. Store vacancies are handled locally so you should keep an eye on the local press and Job Centre. For other vacancies please see the Enjoy Jobs at ASDA page on our website www.asda.co.uk

Should you require any further information or assistance please do not hesitate to contact us.

Yours sincerely
Tony Sandham
ASDA Customer Relations

However, I felt it was time to come clean with the full details of my envisioned employment:

Dear Asda,

Your prompt response does you credit. It has certainly convinced me that this is the sort of organization my nephew should be working for. His timekeeping (and please don't pass this on to his potential new boss) is atrocious. I often tell him he'll be late for his own funeral! Well, if his grandmother's funeral was anything to go by.

I apologise for replying directly to you, as I appreciate that Christmas must be your busiest time. Although, with the consistently low prices in your stores, giro-cashing day must be no picnic either.

The reason for my direct response is that I was not looking for work experience for my nephew in the UK. I understand your parent company WalMart uses the services of various factories in China whose attitude toward youth labour (as I prefer it to be called) is rather more liberated than over here.

I feel that the 12-hour days, the chance to see new parts of the world (or the part of it visible through the factory windows) and the opportunity to learn a second language (although I do worry that he'll be picking up some rather salty phrases) are too good to miss.

If your worry is over the cost of transport, fear not. I have been contributing to his trust fund for the last thirteen years and this will be the perfect way to spend it. I've estimated it will cover just enough to get him there. And if he needed motivation at his new place at work, then earning the price of his return fare will certainly provide that.

If you could see your way clear to providing me with the contact details for the HR department for one of your Chinese outfits, I would be grateful. Please be assured that any suggestion that the factory is upsetting the Amnesty mob will be kept strictly under wraps.

As always, I look forward to your response.

Yours etc.

Hopefully, he'll be sewing T Shirts come the new year...

UPDATE 15/12/05

Asda have maintained their promptness in replying:

Thank you for your message.

Dear Mr Pettigrew

Thank you for your continued interest in our company. I am sorry but though ASDA sources a lot of its general merchandise from Asia we do not own any factories there. There are Chinese Wal-mart stores but they operate independently of ASDA reporting to Wal-mart in the US. For more details on Wal-Mart please visit their web site www.walmart.com

I am sorry I could be of no further assistance.

Yours sincerely
Tony Sandham
ASDA Customer Relations

For further correspondence regarding this issue, please reply to this email.

They were being rather shrewd, which I appreciated.

Dear Tony,

I understand perfectly where you’re coming from. It’s a canny business decision not to own the factories yourself. What the eye doesn’t see, UNICEF can’t moan about.

I myself have read numerous reports about these factories which have mentioned hazardous conditions, long working hours and, best of all, the use of the younger element in their workforce. All of these factors help to keep your overheads down and I respect that. They also give any nascent unions short shrift (as well as the business end of a baton). If only our misguided employment law would allow us to do the same in this country, the economy wouldn’t be in the state it’s in!

Anyway, I appreciate your wish to distance yourself from what other small-minded people view as human rights abuses and borderline slave labour. But that distance shouldn’t extend to buying your products from factories that abide by a load of silly international working standards. You and I know it’s just good business sense.

If you have contact details for any of your Chinese suppliers, I’d be very grateful as my nephew needs the kind of tough love that only a ruthless Chinese factory owner can provide. If you go through a third party to throw the caring brigade off the scent, maybe you could give me their details?

I await your response.

Yours etc.

I hope they get in touch soon. The thought of him chomping his way through the Quality Street while the Queen’s speech is on turns my stomach.

UPDATE 16/12/05

It seems that ASDA will not be enjoying the fruits of my nephew's labour at knock-down prices:

Thank you for your message.

Dear Mr Pettigrew

Thank you for your interest in our company. I am sorry but I am not allowed to give out details of our trading contacts.

Thank you for your correspondence.

Yours sincerely
Tony Sandham
ASDA Customer Relations

Not wishing to end on a sour note, I replied with what I hope is my usual good nature:

Dear Tony,

Thank you for your continued support. I hope you have a peaceful and prosperous Christmas. I was hoping my nephew would be having a hard-working, bleak and decidedly Chinese Christmas, but alas it seems this is not to be. You should see the child trough his way through a box of Milk Tray, though. Alters one’s perception of the innate goodness of mankind.

I will continue my quest to find a suitable sweatshop for him to toil in. I understand that you want to keep the details of the sweatshops your company continues to use (despite the interference of various do-gooding busybodies) to yourself. This one sounds ideal:

http://www.businessweek.com/2000/00_40/b3701119.htm

If the maxim “Treat them mean and keep them keen” has any truth, he will soon become a credit to any company that chooses to employ him. He currently lives a pampered existence - hot meals, warmth, shelter, freedom of movement and so on - so the culture shock when he returns may take a while to wear off. The wife has been guzzling nerve pills for years, so a few of those in his cocoa should hit the spot.

If you have children of your own, I would heartily recommend the regimen Wal Mart’s Chinese partners subscribe to. In the absence of National Service, it really does seem a first-rate way to mould the nation’s youth into a hard-working bunch who know the detrimental nature of back-chat.

Seasons greetings to everyone at the Wal Mart group. Long may they continue to challenge what constitutes acceptable working conditions.

Yours, as always, etc.

Following Sainsbury’s decision not to stock “Jerry Springer - The Opera” on DVD
(http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/dec05/opera071201.php)___##1##___ I decided to exercise my right as a consumer and let them know exactly how I felt. This is the story so far…

I emailed their customer service department on 7/12/05 with the following:

Dear Sainsbury,

I have been a customer of yours for a number of years and have generally found your service to be a good one. Your encouragement of the Oliver boy is a regrettable decision, but I understand you must bow to the whim of market forces and the older ladies seem to have a soft spot for him. So be it.

However, I am disturbed by the decision-making in your DVD purchasing department. There is a DVD widely stocked by your otherwise morally upstanding establishment that is frankly (and I apologize for the rough language) a blot on the Sainsbury escutcheon. I am referring, of course, to “Jim Davidson - Full On Live.”

That you would allow such a tawdry, debased and vile individual to leer at your customers from the DVD shelves is a disgrace. I know people who have children, and I shudder to think what kind of example you are setting them, via the promotion of Mr Davidson’s products.

Clearly, by stocking this DVD, Sainsbury are sending out the message that tax evasion, racism, spousal abuse and old jokes are things to be aspired to. I, however, disagree. I would therefore insist that you remove this offensive item from the shelves forthwith or I (and many of my kith and kin) will be forced to take our business elsewhere. I have heard very good reports of the cheese counter of the local Waitrose, for example. Do not make me do this.

My continued support of your otherwise august establishment is also dependent on one other thing - that you reverse your decision to ban the DVD “Jerry Springer - The Opera” from your stores immediately. These sceptred isles have a long tradition of bawdy entertainment, satire and musical theatre stretching back hundreds of years. Your erroneous decision to ban this DVD would have Rabelais, Swift, Pope and Orwell spinning in their graves. Or are you going to ban their fine and upstanding work from your shelves also? I expect to see “Jerry Springer - The Opera” on your shop shelves shortly.

I await your response at the earliest convenience. I have a large family who are not easily sated and the Christmas table will be groaning with food. Do not let that groaning food come from another supermarket.

Yours etc.

Two days later I received the reply below:

Dear Sir,
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. I am very sorry that you are unhappy with our decision to stop selling Jerry Springer, The Opera on DVD.

Please let me assure you that we would never wish to cause offence to any of our customers. As a retailer, we feel we should offer our customers a choice of what to buy. We monitor all feedback about the products on sale in our stores and I can confirm that we are no longer selling Jerry Springer, The Opera.
Thank you again for letting us know how you feel. We are committed to getting things right for our customers and I do hope I have been able to offer you some assurance.

Kind regards,

Sarah Rose
Sainsbury's Customer Services

This, I felt, was clearly evading the issue. On 9/12/05 I sent the following reply:

Dear Sainsbury,

Thank you for your prompt response. Taking as it did a mere two days to arrive, it easily outstripped your home delivery department. I think you could teach them a thing or two about punctuality! Although, to be fair, I imagine an email is lighter to send than 10kg bags of sprouts and three litre bottles of lemon squash. Having spoken to several like-minded people I see that I have received exactly the same response they were given. I admire your consistent approach.

I note that in your email you state that you have ‘stopped’ selling the Jerry Springer DVD. I assume then at one point you were selling this fine product? Scuttlebutt has it that some really rather fervent religious types contacted you and suggested strongly that this may not be the policy to pursue. They hinted that God would be very cross. Is this correct?

How quickly did you manage to remove the items from the shelves? Was an APB sent out to all stores via some central emergency system? In my imagination (a very fertile and verdant place, I can assure you) I see a main control room sending out the clarion cry “Calling all stores! Calling all stores! Cease and desist from selling Jerry Springer to people! Even if they’d actually quite like to buy it! Go red team! Go red team! Snatch it from their hands if need be!” Am I close to the truth?

How many customers do you have by the way? I thought you were a large enough concern to cope with the absence of a few dozen punters. And if we’re being honest, it’s unlikely they would be buying the luxury goods (alcohol, tobacco and whatnot) which, as I’m sure you’re aware, are the real moneyspinners. Given their puritanical bent, you understand.

Following your decision to bend to the will of this handful of people, I worry about their ability to affect Sainsbury policy. What if, drunk with power, they decide to contact you and say “20p off crumpets. God would prefer it if you did. You know what to do.”? I would hate to see Sainsbury brought to its knees in such a manner.

You state your wish to offer your customers choice and your wish to avoid offence. By denying me the ability to walk into one of your fine establishments and proudly say “A copy of your very best Jerry Springer DVD, if you’d be so kind. Oh, hang the expense, let’s pop a bottle of sherry onto the tab while we’re about it.” you both deny me my freedom of choice and offend me.

I therefore offer my support against these muddle-headed but potentially dangerous patrons who would wish to bind your hands when deciding what to stock. Standing shoulder to shoulder we can defeat them. The bullies must not win. If, in 1942, Churchill had said “Oh alright, Adolf, make yourself at home. Don’t mind us.” where would we be then? Actually, my father was a Nazi sympathizer so he wouldn’t have been executed, but you catch my drift.

I look forward to your response.

Yours, as ever, etc.

I have yet to receive a reply. You, dear reader, shall be the first to know when I do...

UPDATE: DECEMBER 10th
Well, the Sainsbury behemoth rolled once more into action to respond to my dissatisfaction at their DVD policy. Not one for the literary archives, I'm afraid:

Dear Nick,
Thank you for contacting us. I am sorry you have been disappointed by our decision to withdraw Jerry Springer – The Opera from sale in our stores. As there has been lots of interest in this matter I would like to clarify why the title was taken out of our range.

We sell many DVD titles throughout the year and our range changes from week to week based on what customers want and, of course, sales. In the first week that Jerry Springer – The Opera was released, we sold only 111 copies in all stores nationwide and received a high number of complaints from unhappy customers. In the early part of the second week we sold only 21 more copies and received further complaints. Due to these very poor sales figures this DVD would have been withdrawn at the end of the week, but in view of the complaints we had received we removed it a few days earlier than planned.

Please be assured that, as a company, we feel it is our responsibility to offer choice. We do not feel it is right for us to tell our customers what they should or should not buy. However, in this case sales were so low that we did not think removing this title would have a negative impact on our customers and we wanted to give them a choice of more popular titles.

Thank you for taking the time to let us know your views on this matter and for giving us a chance to explain the reasons behind our decision.
Kind regards,

Kerry Coban
Sainsbury's Customer Services

I felt a more conciliatory tack might achieve the desired result. My response was as below:

Dear Sainsbury,

Once again the promptness of your reply is to be commended. Some may cite the fact that you merely had to select "Generic second response" then press "Send" on your computer, but not I. I assume that the " high number of complaints from unhappy customers" was dealt with in a similar fashion. Did you already have a template marked "Pandering to the hysterical religious minority" or did some poor peon have to knock one up especially for the occasion?

It is regrettable that the DVD sold so poorly in your stores, as contact with other retailers has indicated robust sales elsewhere. The fact that you appear to be one of the few retailers that seemed unable to shift this product is remarkable. Some would immediately assume that you have invented a story about poor sales to cover yourselves against accusations of censorship. Not I.

I feel it far more useful to suggest possible reasons for its poor sales as well as workable solutions. After all, you must have thousands of copies of the DVD currently moldering in your warehouse, and why should you be punished for the public's inexplicable decision to buy the DVD in healthy numbers everywhere else except your shop?

Display placement. Always a hot potato amongst retailers, I know, but I feel that placing a copy of the DVD next to any religious-based items elsewhere in the shop (advent calendars, wine, candles, etc.) with a note saying something like "Ah, but have you ever considered it this way?" might shift a few. I leave the precise wording of the notice up to your advertising bods. Anyone who can come up with a slogan like "Try something new today" must be brimming with ideas ("Try something new today - like a fat man in a nappy swearing"? Just a suggestion.)

The Oliver lad. As mentioned in my previous correspondence, young Jamie is inexplicably popular with the older female contingent. It's always struck me as a disturbingly Oedipal mixture of mothering and mating instincts, but there you have it. But there's still time to film a quick addition to your Christmas campaign. Possibly featuring Jamie blubbering the slogan "Try Jerry Springer The Opera - it's sacrilegiously pukka!" or some such. Again, your decision on the final wording.

Disc swapping. I know this might seem like the kind of sharp practice that your less-prestigious rivals (such as Kwik Save) might involve themselves in, but hear me out. Put the Springer DVD in a more popular case - I believe 'Madagascar' is doing a roaring trade. Come Christmas day, the family settle down, expecting an animated adventure about talking animals featuring Chris Tucker (Or is it Chris Rock? I get the two muddled up.) Instead they watch a feisty musical farce. They enjoy said farce. And rather than demanding to speak to the manager, they end buying both DVD's. Problem solved.

I always look forward to your responses, even though I know, in my heart of hearts, that I shall receive the automated and ultimately short shrift that my fellow like-minded individuals have received.

Yours, etc.

(On a personal note, may I send my commiserations on the suicide of your rock-star sibling, Ms Coban. He seemed a lovely chap and had his romantic decisions been a little more shrewd, who knows? He may still have been amongst us.)

They can hardly refrain from taking that on board. Can they?