Christmas is nearly upon us, and the wife is making the usual bleating noises regarding gifts. I felt Dixons could provide the answer and wrote to them accordingly:

Dear Dixon

As you can see by the format of this communication, I have been forced to
enter the new era in technology. The black & white television that had
served me well for thirty years was the first casualty. It was only when
John Craven started looking like a hobbit that I realized that the tube
might have been on its way out. So, I can now enjoy the full extent of the
various ill-judged clothing decisions made by the parishioners on 'Songs Of
Praise' in all their glory.

My nephew eventually convinced me that computers were not just the preserve
of the socially inept and has introduced me to the delights of the
internalnet. Using his computer terminal I can write to my daughter in
Australia in a matter of seconds without the usual ordeal of Post Office
queues, fiddly stamps and recalcitrant staff. She will insist on sending me
photographs of her new life, which features a few too many piercings for my
liking. Her female flat-mate seems to like them, so no matter.

While using his computer terminal (I'm pleased to see he is finally doing
something about his atrocious acne, if the amount of websites about
'facials' is anything to go by) I noticed that it is now possible to order
goods from a computer and have them delivered to your home. This is the
reason for my missive.

I'm considering the purchase of a moving camera to record the various antics
of my grandchildren. I was wondering whether such an item could be bought in
this manner and delivered to my home?

I look forward to your reply.

Yours etc.

Dixons are obviously doing a roaring trade as it was some days before I received my reply:

Dear Sir/Madam

Thank you for your e-mail that was brought to my attention this afternoon.
Please accept my apologies in my delay of response.

For more infomation about ordering products online, you can call our sales
department on 0845 8500 535

Kind Regards

Deborah Whyke
Customer Services

"Sir/Madam"? There hasn't been that kind of confusion since I was in the army. Nevertheless, I replied:

Dear Ms Whyke,

Please don't apologise for the late arrival of your reply. I didn't think you were ignoring me, although the same cannot be said on the few occasions I have visited your stores. Trying to attract the attention of some of your sales staff is rather akin to trying to get the Sphinx to blink.

I trust there is still time for my order to be delivered before Christmas. Following an indiscretion at the staff Christmas party, I feel that handing my wife a consignment note and a kiss will meet with a frosty reception. As mentioned earlier, I'm after a camera, the smaller the better. It may, on occasion, need to be used from a confined spot (there's a hat box on top of our bedroom wardrobe that might do the trick) so something that can be remotely controlled would be even better. Any recommendations would be appreciated.

Finally, may I ask whether you are in fact the rather fetching lady currently appearing in the Dixons advertising campaign? I must say that the catsuit is a first-rate outfit. The wife always harrumphs when the advert comes on, which spoils my enjoyment somewhat. Maybe I could film the advert with the new camera and enjoy it at my leisure when she is at her book club meetings? It's a thought, certainly.

Anyway, I look forward to your reply and wish you all the very best for the forthcoming festivities. Be careful with the seasonal treats, though. That catsuit looks a rather unforgiving item of apparel.

Yours etc.

Well, the good people of Dixons finally replied to my requests. Sadly, not in time for Christmas Day. As predicted, the wife was not best pleased with her gift. Although I’d have thought she would have been grateful, especially as she spent the majority of the day in the kitchen anyway.

Dear Mr Pettigrew

Thank you for your e mail, which has just come to my attention, and in
time to cheer me up on boxing day.

I hope you have been able to get your camera delivered on time. The
consequences of that extra glass of cooking sherry at the staff party
can often be most unfortunate.

The lady in the Dixons advert is not Miss Whyke, but in fact Mr Alan Fraddon
one of our correspondance advisors. This fact is not generally known.

Should you have been watching Songs of Praise yesterday from the Albert Hall
you may have noticed a disagreeable looking lady with an unusual squint and
orange wig singing with the tenors. This was Miss Whyke, blink however ,and you
would have missed her .

Thank you for writing to us

Kind regards and best wishes for
the new year

John Silverton
Customer Services

Disturbing news, but I thought it only polite to reply:

Dear Mr Silverton,

"Alan Fraddon" you say? Oh dear. Well that's one more thing to discuss in confession this Sunday. Hopefully it's not a mortal sin if you don't know it's a man. That's the party line we used when our unit was stationed in Korea, certainly.

I now switch over as soon as your advert comes on. I trust you will not take offence at this.

A very happy New Year to all the staff at Dixons. Even Mr Fraddon, I suppose.

Yours etc.

(PS: He doesn't have a brother working in the Oddbins in Wandsworth, does he? I've always had my doubts about Gloria, to be honest.)