I like to think I keep my finger on a pulse. And that pulse is modern television. So imagine my joy to hear that a right-wing religious organisation was making sure programs that disagreed with them would never be aired:

Dear Catholics,

I recently read a news article that stated you were instrumental in having an episode of the so-called ‘comedy’ “South Park” cancelled after it depicted a statue of the virgin mary bleeding from her bottom.

(http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/dec05/southpark601202.php - not included in letter)

I wanted to know more about an organization that would take such a bold and forward-thinking step so took a look on the internet (Which is a wonderful thing, don’t you think? I use my nephew’s computer although he always has to fuss about with it for five minutes before I use it. I can’t imagine what he’d be looking at on the internet that he wouldn’t want me to know about.)

Can I say that you fellows are doing a sterling job? I wish that we had an organization like yours in this country. I was pleased to hear your glorious leader Mr. Donahue (Is this the same gent who hosted that chat show where people voiced their opinions loudly? Never could see the appeal myself) speak out about the important issues affecting everyday folk like myself.

For instance, Mr Donahue criticized that awful song “What If God Was One Of Us?” Quite right too. I’ve never heard such anodyne warblings in all my chuff. In my day you had Jimi Hendrix and Eric Clapton. I think it’s disgraceful that such twaddle is allowed on the air. Well done you.
(http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1252/is_n12_v123/ai_18420062 - not included in letter)

More recently he stood up for our honest, humble and mostly harmless priests. He correctly pointed out that the whole so-called “sexual abuse scandal” in the Catholic Church was, in fact “A homosexual scandal, not a paedophilia scandal”. An important distinction to make, I think.

If one of those kindly priests took a fancy to one of the young boys in their charge, it’s important to point out it was for their supple, burgeoning, manhood. Not for their smooth, hairless androgynous bodies. Over here, being a homosexual is viewed as a lesser crime than being a paedophile (I know. Crazy!) I assume that’s the case in your country too and Mr Donahue was cleverly “Copping a plea to a lesser charge” as I heard them say on Hill Street Blues once. Very canny, that.

I imagine that the many children that led our officers of God into temptation would be comforted to learn that they’d been groped by a puff rather than a nonce (These are English expressions, by the way. Feel free to use them yourself.)

Speaking of homosexuals, I read that Mr Donahue once said “I'm pretty good about picking out who queers are…I'm usually pretty good at that.” Has he ever thought of missionary work amongst the Catholic staff? He could weed out the several thousand rotten eggs that spoil the barrel for the rest. A bit like Vincent Price in “WitchFinder General”. Mr Donahue turns up at the local church. Speaks to priest. Looks up at DVD shelf. Sees an excess of Judy Garland. And Bob’s your Uncle. You’re fired, your grace.

His queer-finding abilities (I believe I’ve heard my nephew call it “Gaydar”. Not sure why) were mentioned in relation to “The Passion Of The Christ.” Rather too much gore and bondage in it for my liking, but each to their own. In the same interview, I see Mr Donahue said that “Hollywood likes anal sex. Hollywood likes abortions.” When the wife and I went there on holiday we saw neither but I’ll take his word for it. However, this does raise the question - if Hollywood is so cock-a-hoop (if you’ll forgive the expression) about anal sex, why does it need to have abortions? I leave the whole reproduction side of things to the wife but I’m fairly sure this isn’t how babies are made.

Finally, congratulations on getting the episode of South Park banned. Can I just ask Mr Donahue to clarify one thing, though? He has asserted that “Hollywood likes anal sex” (and I’m sure I’ve seen a video of that title in my nephew’s bedroom). The episode in question shows a statue of virgin mary bleeding out of her bottom. Are the South Park lot suggesting that virgin mary likes anal sex too? Because that is just shocking. Although it may go to explain how she remained, strictly speaking, a ‘virgin’.

Keep up the excellent work!

Yours etc.

(Most of the quotes and opinions of Donahue and his organisation can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_A._Donohue)