My nephew continues to be the bane of my life. But by chance I read an article in the newspaper about an organisation that might just be the ones to get him back on the right path. And out of his bedroom, hopefully. I therefore wrote to them thusly:

Dear Scientologists,

I am writing on behalf of my nephew. He is, I am saddened to say, the kind of youth that only the lack of National Service can produce. His indolence is matched only by his questionable body odour.

I became aware of your club after reading in the newspaper that one of your members – Tom Cruise – had just had a Scientology wedding. Now this seemed like the kind of chap I would wish my nephew to grow up into. Well-scrubbed, polite, level-headed, trenchantly heterosexual. And his wife seems like an absolute treasure. Too many women these days feel the need to challenge their spouse at every turn. Even my own wife moved to her mother’s for a week after an unfortunate misunderstanding involving a photocopier and a secretary some years ago. But Kelly Holmes seems like a more old-fashioned sort. The way she stands slightly behind Tom to make him look taller points to that, I feel.

My nephew’s upbringing has been a rocky one. His mother, my sister, is not a well woman. Nor indeed are the three people who were unfortunate enough to be in the local takeaway when she ran in there with that sword. She currently resides in a secure hospital where the most dangerous weapon she’s allowed near is a plastic spoon. Actually, if you’ve any suggestions for a good psychiatrist, I’d love to hear them.

So I have taken the parental reins (His father left town the day he was born. Taking his love of the pop group The Temptations a little far, I feel.) And while I’ve tried to do my best for the lad, I can’t help but feel that a morally responsible outside influence will help him to fly straight, do right, and at the very least turn down that infernal racket on his stereogram.

How would I go about joining him up with your club? Is there some sort of membership fee involved? And I think he might be a little resistant to the idea of joining up, but a couple of the wife’s valium in his Ribena might stupefy him enough so we can bundle him down to your offices.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours etc.