Having watched a lot of daytime television recently, I couldn’t help notice a rather nice new scheme for what seems like money for jam. I took down the details of one such company in on this ruse and wrote to them thusly:

Dear Accident Compensation People

First of all, I like your name. A bit like The Village People without all that ‘other’ unpleasantness.

For many years, I have had accidents that were not my fault. Indeed, I used to be of the opinion that accidents were, by their very nature, unpleasant occurrences to which no blame could be attached. Otherwise they wouldn’t be accidents. They’d be caused by maliciousness, incompetence, etc.

But looking on your website and seeing the amount of money that can be gleaned from a clearly cash-rich criminal justice system (At £27,500 for severe wrist injury I feel my nephew is mere months away from finally earning his keep) I see I was wrong.

It actually makes my blood boil (Could I claim for that? Just a thought) that moaning do-gooders have the gall to complain about lack of funds for prison space, rehabilitation programs, probation services etc. when there’s all this money floating around to give to the clumsy and inattentive.

Anyway, my family have had a number of accidents recently and I wanted to know where we’ll be going on holiday this year as a result. First there was the incident with the television last month. Since my mother came to live with us we have had to have the central heating permanently on full. As I had the house to myself, I decided to watch a program on Channel 5 which I thought was about physics called ‘Blue Heat’. The house was unbearably hot so I decided to disrobe. As the credits rolled, it quickly became clear that this film was not, at least ostensibly, concerned with physics. Unless laboratory dress requirements now include stockings and very little else. I dropped the remote control into my lap in shock and was fumbling to retrieve it when my wife returned from her book club.

This perfectly innocent situation was taken in completely the wrong way by my wife and she threw the book she was reading at me. It’s still a matter of regret that they’d recently chosen A Suitable Boy. Two weeks earlier and a slim collection of Sylvia Plath would not have done half as much damage. She is a remarkably good aim when angry and I received a contusion to the forehead and severe dizziness. I also caught a cold sleeping in the shed for a few days. What would be the going rate for something like that, which anybody can see was in no way my fault?

Also, as a quick sideline, I would mention that my mother is sadly no longer queen of her toilet habits and the mop has been pressed into service like never before. Our detergent bill has gone through the roof. Any chance of a quick payoff for that?

I look forward to hearing from you with a cheque ready for me.

Yours etc.