The Customer Is Always Right

After all the news coverage the murders in Ipswich has been getting, it’s good to know that one person finally talks some robust sense about the whole matter. Who else but Mr Richard Littlejohn?

A cracking read and I decided to let him know by writing to him thusly:

Dear Little John,

I read with interest your article in The Daily Mail about those dollymops being offed in Ipswich. At last somebody has the bravery to tell the truth about the matter. Congratulations, sir – your family must be proud of the common sense, compassion and sensitivity that you have brought to the Little John name. Especially when you consider that your surname sounds like a description of a diminutive customer of one of these ‘ladies’.

As you say, being brutally murdered and left on a cold patch of waste ground, stripped of their clothes, their dignity, their hope and the chance to turn their life around is what they agreed to when they first started accepting a pittance to be manhandled by fat sweaty middle-aged men (no offence).

I only wish other businesses would take a similar line with their employees. For instance, think of how profitable the construction industry could be without all that mucking about with hard hats and harnesses. They’d look a lot less like those Village People mob, too (and I think we’re in agreement here how much we dislike ‘those’ lot).

I imagine you wouldn’t complain if your employers got rid of their health and safety department, sold their fire alarm systems for scrap and risked using hazardous computer equipment. Although I don’t think any right-minded person, on reading your column, would want to imagine you screaming in agony with hot shards of jagged monitor glass sticking out of your face. In fact, if your employers did make those savings you could be paid more than your current salary of £700,000+. Which is cracking value, if I may say. I’d rather see you get that money then, say, 45 nurses every year. What do they know about immigration? Apart from the thousands of immigrants whose hard work holds up the NHS, obviously. And okay, just like those Ipswich tarts they’re not going to find a cure for cancer. They’re only going to minister to those suffering from it. But can they write a funny article about poofs and Gipsies? I think not. Anyway, I digress.

Glad to hear you say those women were on the streets through choice. Quite right. Just like homeless people, they had the choice to live a normal, decent, Christian life and instead chose to live a life of harrowing hardship, daily brutality and a hollow lack of hope. Lord knows what got into them (many ‘experts’ suggest a member of their own family at an impressionable age). I once decided to go to Peterborough for a sales conference but I’d hardly make the kind of decisions those women made. It’s almost as if they were driven to it through a combination of a poor education system, lack of opportunity and a woefully under funded social support network. But obviously that’s not the case. They simply decided they’d quite like to live out their short life in squalid despair. Madness.

I’m interested in these massage parlours you mention. You clearly have a far greater knowledge of their whereabouts and what goes on in them than I. Would you have further details? We need not go into the reasons for me asking this.

“Disgusting, street-addled whores” is a smashing bit of writing, by the way. I’m sure their families will get a real kick out of reading that. So much more descriptive than “Daughter” or “Mother” or “Sister” or somesuch. Should your own children (Or are you a confirmed bachelor? None of my business, I suppose. Prying into private lives is more your end of things, really) end up fellating dockers for spare change, I’m sure you’ll come up with something even better.

And bravo on giving Tony Blair a swift boot at the end. I can’t begin to imagine what kind of mind you’d need to use the deaths of five women to have a pop at him, but you’ve clearly got one.

Keep up the work. With people like you in positions of journalistic power, it’s only a matter of time before this country is they way Baroness Thatcher, god rest her immortal soul (Although is she actually dead yet? I’m not sure) would want it to be.

Yours etc.

As the Christmas season is upon us, and goodwill is all around, I was gladdened that one of my like-minded friends was thoughtful enough to forward me a delightful poem that was apparently in the news some time ago:

As you can see, it really is hysterical. He was sent it by a lovely lady whom I shall merely refer to as Lisa. I don’t think it’s right to bandy a woman’s name about. Not that I’m implying she’s bandy, of course. I wrote to her thusly:

Dear Lisa,

I was forwarded the ditty on immigration and I must say it really brightened my day.

I was a little concerned about some of this fine work, however. I notice that many of the terms used (“welfare”, “yard”, “truck” “aliens” etc.) seem to be American in origin, leading me to believe that the poem was written by an American. I do hope we’re not celebrating the work of a foreigner here. Okay, they may look the same as us but nevertheless, they’re still invaders to these shores. Especially near Harrods.

Also, I note that you say the country is getting full. I’m sure I read somewhere that we’re the 48th most populous country in the world, Countries more densely populated than us include Grenada, Samao and Barbados, which never really struck me as concreted high-rise hellholes, to be honest. Still, you know best. I’m assuming.

I showed the poem to my wife and I have to say she was less impressed than I. She’s a rather strident woman, the kind of person who won’t even allow me to watch re-runs of “Love Thy Neighbour” in peace. She was really picky about your poem, insisting on using facts and research rather than common sense. Just listen to some of the nonsense she wrote:

“The poem states that immigrants ‘love breeding’ but there has been little change in the under-20 population since 1990 (http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=716). The national statistic centre also said this:
“In Great Britain, there has been an increase in the proportion of dependent children living in lone parent families with 23 per cent of dependent children living in a lone parent family in 2001 compared with 18 per cent in 1991. Couple families were relatively most frequent among Indian, Pakistani and Bangladeshi headed households.”
In other words, the greatest population increase from one-parent families has come from traditionally non-ethnic households.

As for the idea that benefit-claiming is all immigrants do, this is what the National Statistic Centre found:
The proportion of working-age people living in workless households was lowest for the Indian ethnic group, at 6.8 per cent; while 11.0 per cent of those in the white ethnic group lived in a workless household.
So ‘welfare scroungers’ are more likely to be white than Indian.”

To be honest, my wife went on in this vein for some time. I switched off after a while. Jack Smethurst had just dressed up as a Zulu to scare his neighbour. He does make me laugh.

It’s good to see a strong Christian message being circulated at this time of year. What would a Muslim know about the Christian concept of charity? Apart from Zakat, one of the five pillars of the Muslim faith, obviously.

There are literally dozens of respected organisations that might accuse you of spreading racial hatred, but I’m not one of them. And if you have somebody as sensible as me on your side, you know you can’t be wrong, eh?

Merry Christmas. Peace on you all.

UPDATE:
Well Lisa really is a very keen correspondent! A reply the very same day!

Well Hello Nick & Unnamed Wife,
So the Illegal Immigrant Poem seems to doing the rounds with my name attached now

...I don't suppose you will want to share who gave you my email details? Don't bother... I think it is obvious... it must be the same person that has emailed me at least 5 times this morning (I have not responded to her at all) and emailed all my contacts without my permission at least twice and she has now threatened us all with the following...

I shall forward ANY literature (including the poem) and senders details to the University authorities and to Searchlight – an anti-racist organisation that you may find interesting.

Perhaps she wants me to reply to you instead?
You seem to be very interested in statistics... do you know what Disraeli said about Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics?
With so many illegal immigrants here how can a argument based on numbers possibly stand up to scrutiny?
My last word on the subject was as follows...
I think you are missing the point, I have repeatedly said that I and most English people are tolerant towards immigrants in real need... like your Rwandan friend or my Syrian friends who have had their families brutally murdered and who are distressed at the fact that they cannot stay in their beloved homeland
... it is the thousands of spongers who we question have the right to our council houses, our benefits, our land... especially those who are here planning to make this a muslim country by force and those here illegally who are not included in the statistics you quote... the BBC have recently showed how easy it is to get a false passport and gain entry and get all the benefits that are fast running out... !
My grandparents who fought for our freedom and paid into the NHS & Welfare Benefit system for their children and their children's children are turning in their graves!
Let's make a New Years Resolution for 2007 to wake up and call a halt to this madness.
Let me take this opportunity to wish you a Happy & Prosperous New Year for 2007.
Seasons Greetings!
Lisa ______

There followed some very interesting anecdotes, which I have edited, of people being shoved on the bus by a foreigner, an old soldier who doesn’t like seeing so many variations of skin colour on the street. Stuff like that. Most heartwarming. I replied thusly:

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for the quick reply – our type needs to stick together, don’t you feel?

Not sure if your email has been ‘doing the rounds’ (a term once used in relation to my daughter and one I’m not terribly keen on) but a like-minded friend certainly thought I’d enjoy it, yes. He attached your name to the email, I think, because your name was on it and you’d sent it. Odd behaviour, I know, but there you are.

This whole email business is a bit fraught though, don’t you think? The problem is, I feel, that people will assume that if you express very strong and, to some muddle-headed Trotskyists, outdated views in an email, that you can assume this is how you actually view things. Nonsense.

Not sure about this person who has been emailing you all the time – I can only assume her housework is done for the day. I tend not to let my wife near the computer until early evening. At least that gives me the chance to ensure the websites my nephew has been visiting don’t pop up (a rather apt term, I feel) while she’s studying for her book club. But to threaten you in that manner does seem rather harsh. Regardless of what the law, civil liberties groups and employment procedure might think.

I’m happy for you to reply to me though, obviously. Nice to hear somebody talking some sense for a change. Although I should point out it’s the wife who has an interest in statistics. She seems to think facts are the way forward to understanding society. I know, I know. Madness. I agree with Disraeli too, despite his immigrant background.

You’re right, of course, that my wife cannot use facts to support an argument – how ridiculous. We do not know how many illegal immigrants are in this country, although the Home Office seems to think it does and puts the figure at roughly 430,000. Or put another way, Sheffield. Frightening though, eh? A huge, sprawling metropolis the sheer scale of Sheffield made up of low-paid folk with virtually no access to support services? Makes the skin crawl.

Glad to hear you’re tolerant toward immigrants. I tolerate next door playing the trumpet at 8am, I tolerate my hayfever during the summer and it’s good to see you tolerate the influx of people into this country since the Romans in the same manner. It’s the spongers we need to look out for. The people who do little jobs on the side while their husband works. Things like that. Although with no figures on what proportion of fraud is caused by illegal immigrants available, we’re going to have to rely on anecdotes, which is where I usually form my opinions (unlike my fact-obsessed wife).

And it’s always best to assume that absolute worst, isn’t it? I’d rather ten needy people and one scrounger starved to death than ten needy people get benefits along with one scrounger, wouldn’t you?

So yes, let’s call a halt to the madness. We should close the borders. None shall enter. We should follow the example of two countries with the lowest rates of immigrants in the world – The Phillipines and Guyana. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Imagine our country sharing their quality of life? All that lovely hot weather, for a start.

Seasonal greetings.

Yours etc.

The festive season is fast approaching and soon my daughter will be flying home from Sydney with her pal Spike. I had a few concerns regarding the flight and therefore wrote to Qantas thusly:

Dear Qantas

Where’s the ‘u’ gone? I know that Australia is a long way from the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary, but that’s still no excuse.

Anyway, to business. My daughter will be using your airline in a couple of week’s time. She is flying from Sydney to England, along with her female flatmate and very close chum Spike. I’ve had to endure some fairly base comments down the bridge club regarding their relationship. Some people cannot see two single women sharing a one-bedroom flat without drawing unpleasant conclusions. One particular fellow wouldn’t leave it alone and it was only my pointing out that at least my daughter hasn’t died of bulimia (as his did) that caused him to desist. I feel he overreacted to that comment, personally. If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t dish it out. Although in the case of his daughter there was no point in dishing anything out as she’d only vomit it back up into a shopping bag shortly afterwards.

My daughter and Spike are coming to see us for the Christmas period and also apparently have some news they wish to tell us in person. The only clue they would give is that it involves some sort of civil ceremony. I’m delighted, as a good steady job in civil service is just the sort of thing I’d hope for my daughter.

My concern is for the pair of them on the long flight home. My daughter has always been a picky eater (not as bad as my bridge club compatriot’s daughter, admittedly) and I was pondering what she would like to eat on the flight. The suggestion my nephew made caused him to be grounded for a week. I don’t know where he gets it from, I really don’t. I wondered whether you could do a vegetarian meal for her? I think it’s a fad, personally, and I’m sure that come Christmas lunch she won’t be able to resist the traditional meat and two veg (Sadly, I also said this in earshot of my nephew. He’s not getting his Playstation back until he apologises).

On the subject of food, I wondered whether there is an excess charge for larger passengers? Spike is not a small girl and what with her numerous tattoos she resembles a blob of blu-tac rolled across a newspaper. I could ask my daughter whether Spike could possibly lay off the barbecues for the next couple of weeks if this is going to cause a problem.

Also, what with the heightened security on flights since those chaps parked their jets into the side of those buildings, I’m a little concerned about Spike & my daughter’s various piercings. Some of them look absolutely lethal and I’m worried that a jetlagged cabin crew member could mistake Spike for some sort of human limpet mine and go berserk. I’ve asked my daughter whether she could remove them for the flight but she said something about her piercings enhancing her enjoyment with Spike. So I expect they’ll spend the whole flight comparing jewellery. Girls will be girls, I suppose.

Anyway, if you could let me know about the above queries I would be eternally grateful. Good day, gobber, as you chaps would say.

Yours etc.

They don’t hang about, these airline types, and I was gratified to receive a reply quicker than you could say “Strewth. What’s that dingo got in his mouth?”

Dear Mr ________,

We refer to your below e-mail and due to your daughter's requirements we
suggest you contact our local office with your enquiries :

http://www.qantas.com.au/needhelp/dyn/contacts/teleSalesContacts

Please also note QANTAS is an acronym for Queensland and Northern Territory
Aerial Services.

In anticipation we thankyou for your feedback.

Kind regards
Qantas Network Operations

The above address led me to one of those awful call centres where one ends up listening to Mantovani played by a pocket calculator for half an hour. I much prefer the written word and so replied thusly:

Dear Qantas,

I hope you do not mind if I reply via email. I have tried using call centres in the past and have not much cared for the experience. If I wanted to listen to awful music for hours on end before conversing with an unmotivated teenager I would go and sit in my nephew’s bedroom. I’d have to brush all the socks off his bed first, though. How he gets his socks in such a state I cannot begin to imagine.

I wasn’t aware that QANTAS was an acronym. After my experience of flying with BA, which culminated in me being bundled off the plane in Belgium after accidentally brushing against the bottom of a stewardess several times, I can only assume their company name is an acronym for Bloody Awful. Excuse my language.

My daughter and Spike have informed me that they have sorted out their dietary requirements for the flight, so no need to panic. They don’t actually plan to eat on the plane, and I hope when the cabin staff are handing around the barbecued chicken and whatnot and Spike refuses, they won’t be offended. Frankly, given her stature, I think they’re more likely to be amazed.

I apologise for the biological nature of this, but apparently, the girls will be swallowing something before their flight that they don’t wish to pass until they’re in England. An unusual thing to be patriotic about, I know, but there you are.

I spoke to some like-minded friends who told me that overweight people do not incur extra freight charges, so that has eased my mind. A missed business opportunity for the US airlines, though, wouldn’t you say? And the majority of their piercings will have to be removed in order to get through the metal detector, so we can stand easy on that, too. The girls walk around with more metal in them than an Iraqi civilian running away from a US troop.

Do you have any idea what film will be showing on the flight? The girls said they’d love it if you could dig out the following: “Bound”, “Gia”, “Boys Don’t Cry” or “The Killing Of Sister George”. An odd mix, I thought, but see what you can do.

Incidentally, your cricket chaps. Not funny. Not funny in the slightest. We invented the damned game after all.

Yours etc.