After all the news coverage the murders in Ipswich has been getting, it’s good to know that one person finally talks some robust sense about the whole matter. Who else but Mr Richard Littlejohn?

A cracking read and I decided to let him know by writing to him thusly:

Dear Little John,

I read with interest your article in The Daily Mail about those dollymops being offed in Ipswich. At last somebody has the bravery to tell the truth about the matter. Congratulations, sir – your family must be proud of the common sense, compassion and sensitivity that you have brought to the Little John name. Especially when you consider that your surname sounds like a description of a diminutive customer of one of these ‘ladies’.

As you say, being brutally murdered and left on a cold patch of waste ground, stripped of their clothes, their dignity, their hope and the chance to turn their life around is what they agreed to when they first started accepting a pittance to be manhandled by fat sweaty middle-aged men (no offence).

I only wish other businesses would take a similar line with their employees. For instance, think of how profitable the construction industry could be without all that mucking about with hard hats and harnesses. They’d look a lot less like those Village People mob, too (and I think we’re in agreement here how much we dislike ‘those’ lot).

I imagine you wouldn’t complain if your employers got rid of their health and safety department, sold their fire alarm systems for scrap and risked using hazardous computer equipment. Although I don’t think any right-minded person, on reading your column, would want to imagine you screaming in agony with hot shards of jagged monitor glass sticking out of your face. In fact, if your employers did make those savings you could be paid more than your current salary of £700,000+. Which is cracking value, if I may say. I’d rather see you get that money then, say, 45 nurses every year. What do they know about immigration? Apart from the thousands of immigrants whose hard work holds up the NHS, obviously. And okay, just like those Ipswich tarts they’re not going to find a cure for cancer. They’re only going to minister to those suffering from it. But can they write a funny article about poofs and Gipsies? I think not. Anyway, I digress.

Glad to hear you say those women were on the streets through choice. Quite right. Just like homeless people, they had the choice to live a normal, decent, Christian life and instead chose to live a life of harrowing hardship, daily brutality and a hollow lack of hope. Lord knows what got into them (many ‘experts’ suggest a member of their own family at an impressionable age). I once decided to go to Peterborough for a sales conference but I’d hardly make the kind of decisions those women made. It’s almost as if they were driven to it through a combination of a poor education system, lack of opportunity and a woefully under funded social support network. But obviously that’s not the case. They simply decided they’d quite like to live out their short life in squalid despair. Madness.

I’m interested in these massage parlours you mention. You clearly have a far greater knowledge of their whereabouts and what goes on in them than I. Would you have further details? We need not go into the reasons for me asking this.

“Disgusting, street-addled whores” is a smashing bit of writing, by the way. I’m sure their families will get a real kick out of reading that. So much more descriptive than “Daughter” or “Mother” or “Sister” or somesuch. Should your own children (Or are you a confirmed bachelor? None of my business, I suppose. Prying into private lives is more your end of things, really) end up fellating dockers for spare change, I’m sure you’ll come up with something even better.

And bravo on giving Tony Blair a swift boot at the end. I can’t begin to imagine what kind of mind you’d need to use the deaths of five women to have a pop at him, but you’ve clearly got one.

Keep up the work. With people like you in positions of journalistic power, it’s only a matter of time before this country is they way Baroness Thatcher, god rest her immortal soul (Although is she actually dead yet? I’m not sure) would want it to be.

Yours etc.