The Customer Is Always Right

Excellent news! The good people at A Place In The Sun want me to appear in their show. I received the following email from the unfortunately-named Mr Fico:

Dear ***,

Thanks for getting in touch with the show and for your very interesting
email!

Unfortunately, at the risk of disappointing you, "A Place In The Sun"
has not yet been re-commissioned by channel 4 for 2007, and is
therefore currently not looking for househunters.

However, should you be interested, our popular show “A Place in the
Sun-Home or Away” has been recommissioned by Channel 4 for a fourth
series and we are therefore currently looking for househunters
interested in buying in various locations across Europe.

In case you haven't seen it 'A Place in the Sun-Home or Away' is for
people who are looking to either relocate or buy a holiday home but are
torn between buying in the U.K or on the continent.

I've attached an application form for 'A Place in the Sun-Home-Away'
below in case you are interested. If you wish to be considered for this
programme please complete this form and return a.s.a.p. (if possible
please attach pictures of yourselves and your current house.)
Please note that only people who are torn between buying in the UK
and/or abroad will be considered.

If you are caught in just such a dilemma I look forward to reading why
you deserve the opportunity to appear on the show and to benefit from
the service provided by our team of expert foreign property
researchers!

Should you need to ask any questions please do not hesitate to contact
me via the details below.

I await your response in due course.

Kind regards,
Etc.

I got to work on the application form straight away as this looks like my chance to be free to pursue my other interests with likeminded friends without the noise of nagging, pop music or racial slurs. I have laid out my answers to the team below. I cannot fail to be chosen, I feel. After the usual personal questions (address & whatnot) the form continues thusly:

Relationship (husband and wife, friends…)
This is all rather academic as my intentions are to leave my family in the bosom of the state when I move abroad. I have other bosoms to concentrate on now. My likeminded friends will, I’m sure, be paying me visits in my Amsterdam property. I’ll charge competitive room rates and more importantly, I’ll clean up afterwards without asking questions.

Where and when did you meet?
We met at a protest march in Trafalgar Square re that whole Vietnam business. I remember the first time I saw her, jabbing a placard in my face and screaming the word “Pig” at me. I was volunteering for the police at the time. They kindly let me have a go at the water cannon and my future wife got 100lbs/psi of H2O right in the temple. I caught up with her by one of the lions. I asked her out for some tea & toast and she rather dazedly accepted. The rest, as they say, is history.

Names and ages of any children
My daughters no longer live at home. One of them is rather feeble minded, sadly, and so has had to enter a secure place where screaming, heavy medication and drab clothing are the order of the day. The other moved to Australia so she’s in much the same situation.

Hobbies and interests
I have many activities which occupy me throughout the day. I’d rather not go into them here if that’s okay. What a man does in the privacy of his own bathroom when everyone else is out of the house and the door is securely locked is, I feel, his own business.

Why are you planning to make a move? (eg. Holiday home, relocation, investment)
I need to be in a place where a man like myself freely pursue his hobbies. Or if not freely, then at a pre-agreed fee.

Are you looking for one property in either location or one in each?
Just the one in Amsterdam, thanks. As I say I’ve been paying my stamp for years so I think it’s time the government chipped in with somewhere to live for my family.

Please tell us about your dilemma and why you are torn between the UK and abroad?
To be brutally frank, there’s no dilemma for me at all. My heart belongs to the coffee houses, canals and a woman called Svenka of Amsterdam. But if it’ll make for better television I’m willing to scratch my head & dither a bit for the cameras.

Please tell us who prefers what and why?
UK: My wife, nephew and mother. I think they prefer the UK because they currently have somewhere to live there. All that’s about to change, but mum’s the word, eh?

Abroad: Me. Although I’d prefer it if you didn’t call Svenka “A broad.”

Where would you want to look at properties in the UK?
Well if we have to go through the whole charade I suppose we could have a shufty around Knightsbridge. Maybe the wife could do a bit of shopping while she still has the chance.

Why have you chosen those areas?
UK: For the sake of getting on the program but I dare swear you can come up with a decent reason for the show.
ABROAD: Anyone who has strolled through the bustling streets of Amsterdam at midnight, a relaxing cigarette in one hand and a Lithuanian buttock in the other, would know the answer to that question.

What type of property are you looking for? (No. of beds, land required etc.)
UK: Well I don’t think we’re going to get much in Knightsbridge for the amount of money my place will get. Nowhere with stairs, though. Let’s not tax ourselves, eh?

Abroad: A two-bed place overlooking the canals would be super. And if the walls are capable of holding quite heavy weights, that would be marvellous. We need not concern ourselves with why.

Are there any specific requirements for the area? (eg. Near beach, children’s facilities etc.)

Just a coffee shop, a canal and a nearby needle exchange (this is at Svenka’s request. She must be a keen knitter, I suppose.)

What efforts have you already made to find appropriate property?

Myself and a few likeminded friends spent a wonderful few days in Amsterdam recently. We toured the area extensively (although we never did get round to visiting any galleries or museums). I now have a good working knowledge of the upper stories of Amsterdam apartments (bedroom layouts, bathroom facilities, etc.)

Are there any dates between January and October 2007 when you would be unavailable for filming? (Filming takes place over 2 separate weeks)
Any time really, but better to make it during the summer. I often go away for a fortnight with my likeminded friends for a bit of a beano so it won’t raise too much suspicion with the family if we make it July-ish.

Do you own or know anyone who own a camcorder? (in case your application form moves onto the next stage, which is the completion of a screen test)
I do. I bought a rather fine one from Dixons last year after corresponding with their sales staff.
http://customerservice.blog.co.uk/2005/12/20/customer_service_vs_dixons~402199
I’d be loathe to lose some of the footage I have on there (as the lady in question has moved away now) but needs must, I suppose.

I’ve sent the form off and now just pray I get selected. I shall let you know their response as soon as it arrives.

As a retired man, my afternoons are often spent watching television. This, I feel, is the best time of day for TV. The shows on offer tend to have less of the unpleasant elements that later programs insist upon. My wife, for instance, seems unable to settle down in front of the box unless there is robust language, lesbians or John Hannah in it. And if I could work out how to set the parental controls on our receiver, I believe my nephew would give up on television altogether.

This sounds like the kind of thing for me. I wish to appear on their show and wrote to them thusly:

Dear Program makers,

First of all I’d like to say how much I enjoy your show. I don’t normally go anywhere near Channel 4. I had enough of violence, foul language and graphic displays of homosexual buggery during my time in the army when I was posted in Korea. Although your new presenter Jasmine Harman causes the kind of stirrings I’ve not felt since New Years Eve, 1981, when my wife got drunk and dressed up as Margaret Thatcher.

Your program is a far more gentle affair than a lot of Channel 4’s offerings. I see recently that they’ve allowed some guttersnipe in a house for the express purpose of shouting abuse at an overseas actress. My mother can’t get enough of the blighted woman, complaining only that she doesn’t go far enough and should start a one-woman pogrom. My mother is my cross (extremely cross, if anyone multiracial appears on the screen) to bear.

Anyway, I would really like to appear on your show. My mind is finally made up – I’ve had enough of Britain and would like to get away as soon as possible. My house is a semi detached affair at the end of a cul-de-sac. It’s a nice area, with good neighbours. A couple of years ago we had some people move in who we suspected of being Socialists but we soon dealt with that. I shan’t bore you with the tactics we employed and anyway, I fear that this email may be admissible in court.

I have three bedrooms and a good thing too as we’re currently at full capacity. My mother has the back bedroom and her slapdash attitude toward hygiene has turned the dry rot in the floorboards into wet rot. The room being used by my nephew will need fumigating, and a service by a priest might not go amiss. The room my wife and I use, however, is in pristine condition as nothing untoward ever happens in it.

What I’m looking for is to buy somewhere central in Amsterdam. I went there recently with a group of like-minded friends and must say it was an eye-opener. I felt like a teenager again and could have had one if I hadn’t spent all my money in the nightclub we’d just visited. The range of entertainment on offer is truly breathtaking. In fact, I saw a mask in a shop window for precisely that purpose. I wouldn’t need anywhere too big – a couple of bedrooms (I intend to convert one room to a new hobby I discovered while in Amsterdam) would suffice. I would also miss not having a potting shed, if you can find somewhere with one. A lot of tourists were talking about pot so I don’t see that being a problem.

One slight concern is how discreet you chaps can be. The thing is, I’d rather we went through the whole procedure without informing the rest of my family. They will no doubt become unreasonably upset when I tell them I have no intentions of taking them with me and I’d hate to have to go through the whole rigmarole of dealing with estate agents with them on my back, serving restraining orders, etc.

I also think it would be a smashing idea if I could spend a few days in the Hoerenbuurten getting my bearings. I’ll leave it up to you to arrange hotels, accomodation, etc. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours etc.

We had some workmen in over the weekend - my wife saw to them for most of the time, to be honest, as I couldn't recall any building work we needed doing. They did seem to be unusually pleased with themselves, despite having to work weekends. My wife is in a better mood than I've seen her for some time, too.

This Malone woman seemed a nice sort so I wrote to her thusly:

Dear Malone,

I read with great interest your article in the Sunday Mirror regarding your stay in the Big Brothel house. I don't normally stoop to tabloid television, or indeed tabloid newspapers, although my nephew subscribes to a sporting newspaper that comes out on a Sunday (They seem to focus exclusively on female sport. Naked female sport, apparently).

I feel your pain in having to live in an enclosed space for ten days with no entertainment or decent food. It must have been awful. And I imagine the hundreds of thousands of people around the country in bedsits for whom, thanks to unemployment/mental health problems/etc. face the rest of their lives doing the same, shared your sense of suffering. I certainly cannot look at your photo now without thinking about something unpleasant.

In fact, the description of your plight ("endless days", "tears of frustration" "exhaustion & terror") brought to mind the detainees of Guantanemo Bay. Like you, they were whisked away at short notice, had all their possessions confiscated and were dumped into cramped, confined quarters with other people. Okay, they've been there for years apparently (your newspaper doesn't seem too bothered about the situation - although you do cover far more fun stories like the ghosts of serial killers haunting prison cells) and you knew you'd be there for at most a month. Although blocking a month out of your diary might have been optimism bordering on arrogance. And those prisoners have, by and large, done nothing wrong whereas you may have made some questionable decisions when choosing an agent. And you chaps weren't sadistically beaten every day. Maybe they're saving that for next year? Fingers crossed.

But other than that, it was startlingly similar.

It must have been frustrating when that scruffy Cliff Richard-type knocked over your bean cans, causing you to lose track of days. It's a shame I wasn't in the house, as I am able to count further than three, so the whole catastrophe could have been avoided. It's nice to hear you got on with Shilpa Shetty because to the outside observer it might have appeared that you were a cowardly sycophant content to ride along with the status quo rather than question the other housemate's disgustingly racist attitude toward her. But she gave you some shoes, so that can't be true, obviously. Some of my best friends are Indian too, you know. Well, I say friends. Neighbours, really. Well, they were until my mother moved in. Her strident rants about the Raj became too much for them in the end.

Good to see you've cleared up your differences with Jade, too. I suppose once you get to know a person, rather than making sweeping assumptions, personal attacks and a nice wedge of cash whilst hiding behind the security of a by-line, you realise they're not such a bad egg after all. Even a common, bigoted, ignorant, dead-eyed creation like Jade.

So overall I'd like to say well done to you and the other housemates. You and they have certainly opened a lot of people's eyes to a lot of issues in society - the negligible worth of fame, the hypocrisy of the media, underlying racism and how bloody awful today's pop stars are.

Yours etc.

(With enormous thanks to the following blog for info - it's a very, very funny blog and worth a visit:

http://blog.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm)

There’s nothing I used to like more than a day out with a group of like-minded friends engaging in a good old-fashioned rally. The open air, the camaraderie, the bellowing at passers-by. You can see why the Germans loved them so much. So I was delighted to hear of the following rally due to take place in London:

and I wrote to him thusly:

Dear Christians,

May I first of all wish you a happy New Year. I hope the holiday season was a good one for you. We’re only just past Christmas and already the shops are filled with Easter goodies. Marvellous. If only Jesus had done something of note in August then we’d have something to look forward to every three months.

Anyway, I’m writing to you regarding the rally you’re organising against the government’s latest plan to force normal working people like ourselves to treat people as equals. I’m sure if some of them had done a bit of time in the army, as I have, they’d realise that not all people are created equal. Communal showers have a way of revealing that, if you understand me.

I wish I could come along to the rally myself, but unfortunately I will have to stay at home. My nephew has recently started smoking in his bedroom and I worry that if he’s left alone for five minutes he’ll burn the place to the ground. Ironically my elderly mother’s lower regions currently resemble a dramatic interlude from London’s Burning, such is her vague influence over her bodily functions these days. Between them the house should be safe but I’d rather not risk it.

I’d consider bringing mother with me but to be frank, Mr Omooba, I fear that this legislation would not be the only thing that would offend you on the march if she came along. She gets worse as she gets older and her current views would make Oswald Mosely blush.

My wife has refused to look after the house so I can go to the rally, calling your opposition to it “A disgraceful throwback to values of another era that have no place in an inclusive society and further evidence that organised religions must progress to address modern society or wither away.” I really wish I could deal with her in an Old Testament fashion sometimes, but the last time I tried I was laid up in bed for three days with a bag of frozen peas in my lap.

Unlike my wife, I think you make some good points. For instance, you say that Christians would never want to be homophobic out of bigotry or prejudice. Quite right, too. I think their terrible music and that Graham Norton chap are enough reasons to be getting on with, aren’t they?

Some might see your subsequent statement, that Christians should be free to discriminate against homosexuals to show them that we (and God) are right and they are wrong, as being contradictory. Some might even argue that it goes against the whole “Hate the sin, not the sinner” forgiveness part of Christianity. But not I. If they want to flounce about the place being in love with people with the same shaped body parts, then restricting their access to services, facilities and so on and generally treating them as inferior citizens should be the minimum punishment.

You ask us to consider a poor Christian couple running a B&B being forced under law to give a room to two people whose personal behaviour is no concern of theirs whatsoever. Horrible thought, isn’t it? It seems that the sign they used to be able to hang outside gets smaller all the time. It used to be “No blacks, poofs, Irish or dogs.” Now they can only ban dogs from their premises (unless David Blunkett or one of his lot show up, obviously).

I do hope the government take up your draft exception clause,

http://www.christianconcernforournation.co.uk/sor/docs/amendment1.doc

which basically says that discrimination is bad unless you’ve read a book saying it’s okay to do so. Although I do have to suggest that if your place of business could possibly “promote, facilitate, encourage or assist the practice of a sexual orientation” then you’re probably not running a very Christian shop to begin with and are more likely to be running a knocking shop or something.

Best wishes for the rally. I hope you get all you deserve.

Yours etc.

Sadly, the New Year does not find me in good spirits. Christmas was largely a dismal affair. The Queen’s Speech, normally the highlight of the day, was absolutely ruined when my mother insisted on having some form of seizure just when it was getting to the good bit about the Commonwealth. My wife was in an absolutely foul mood after the whole book token episode. And my nephew was sulking in his room after the Nintendo Wii he was expecting turned out to be a box with a note in it saying “Try using your imagination for a change”.

So now he’s ruined. But I intend to help him by organising a fundraising variety show. And we’re going to have some of the stuff you’re not allowed to see on TV anymore. Proper, old-fashioned variety. My friend loves Jim Davidson, the Black & White Minstrels, people hitting each other with ladders while putting up wallpaper. Things like that. I seem to remember him being quite keen on The Minipops when they were on Channel 4, too. What an extravaganza it’s going to be. I needed a venue so I emailed the Colchester Arts Centre thusly:

Dear Arts Centre,

I am writing to you to enquire how one might go about hiring your hall for an evening of variety some time later this year?

I intend it to be a charitable event, raising funds for a friend who has got himself in a little bit of bother and needs some financial assistance.

There are a few questions I need to ask about the facilities in the place before I choose your venue over the other fine venues in Essex. The Cliffs Pavilion in Southend, for instance, is hosting stars like Jethro, so I know they’re a class act, but your place is more convenient for my needs.

Any info you have on prices, availability, fire regulations, backstage bar/crèche facilities etc. would be gratefully received.

Yours etc.