There’s nothing I used to like more than a day out with a group of like-minded friends engaging in a good old-fashioned rally. The open air, the camaraderie, the bellowing at passers-by. You can see why the Germans loved them so much. So I was delighted to hear of the following rally due to take place in London:

and I wrote to him thusly:

Dear Christians,

May I first of all wish you a happy New Year. I hope the holiday season was a good one for you. We’re only just past Christmas and already the shops are filled with Easter goodies. Marvellous. If only Jesus had done something of note in August then we’d have something to look forward to every three months.

Anyway, I’m writing to you regarding the rally you’re organising against the government’s latest plan to force normal working people like ourselves to treat people as equals. I’m sure if some of them had done a bit of time in the army, as I have, they’d realise that not all people are created equal. Communal showers have a way of revealing that, if you understand me.

I wish I could come along to the rally myself, but unfortunately I will have to stay at home. My nephew has recently started smoking in his bedroom and I worry that if he’s left alone for five minutes he’ll burn the place to the ground. Ironically my elderly mother’s lower regions currently resemble a dramatic interlude from London’s Burning, such is her vague influence over her bodily functions these days. Between them the house should be safe but I’d rather not risk it.

I’d consider bringing mother with me but to be frank, Mr Omooba, I fear that this legislation would not be the only thing that would offend you on the march if she came along. She gets worse as she gets older and her current views would make Oswald Mosely blush.

My wife has refused to look after the house so I can go to the rally, calling your opposition to it “A disgraceful throwback to values of another era that have no place in an inclusive society and further evidence that organised religions must progress to address modern society or wither away.” I really wish I could deal with her in an Old Testament fashion sometimes, but the last time I tried I was laid up in bed for three days with a bag of frozen peas in my lap.

Unlike my wife, I think you make some good points. For instance, you say that Christians would never want to be homophobic out of bigotry or prejudice. Quite right, too. I think their terrible music and that Graham Norton chap are enough reasons to be getting on with, aren’t they?

Some might see your subsequent statement, that Christians should be free to discriminate against homosexuals to show them that we (and God) are right and they are wrong, as being contradictory. Some might even argue that it goes against the whole “Hate the sin, not the sinner” forgiveness part of Christianity. But not I. If they want to flounce about the place being in love with people with the same shaped body parts, then restricting their access to services, facilities and so on and generally treating them as inferior citizens should be the minimum punishment.

You ask us to consider a poor Christian couple running a B&B being forced under law to give a room to two people whose personal behaviour is no concern of theirs whatsoever. Horrible thought, isn’t it? It seems that the sign they used to be able to hang outside gets smaller all the time. It used to be “No blacks, poofs, Irish or dogs.” Now they can only ban dogs from their premises (unless David Blunkett or one of his lot show up, obviously).

I do hope the government take up your draft exception clause,

http://www.christianconcernforournation.co.uk/sor/docs/amendment1.doc

which basically says that discrimination is bad unless you’ve read a book saying it’s okay to do so. Although I do have to suggest that if your place of business could possibly “promote, facilitate, encourage or assist the practice of a sexual orientation” then you’re probably not running a very Christian shop to begin with and are more likely to be running a knocking shop or something.

Best wishes for the rally. I hope you get all you deserve.

Yours etc.