As a retired man, my afternoons are often spent watching television. This, I feel, is the best time of day for TV. The shows on offer tend to have less of the unpleasant elements that later programs insist upon. My wife, for instance, seems unable to settle down in front of the box unless there is robust language, lesbians or John Hannah in it. And if I could work out how to set the parental controls on our receiver, I believe my nephew would give up on television altogether.

This sounds like the kind of thing for me. I wish to appear on their show and wrote to them thusly:

Dear Program makers,

First of all I’d like to say how much I enjoy your show. I don’t normally go anywhere near Channel 4. I had enough of violence, foul language and graphic displays of homosexual buggery during my time in the army when I was posted in Korea. Although your new presenter Jasmine Harman causes the kind of stirrings I’ve not felt since New Years Eve, 1981, when my wife got drunk and dressed up as Margaret Thatcher.

Your program is a far more gentle affair than a lot of Channel 4’s offerings. I see recently that they’ve allowed some guttersnipe in a house for the express purpose of shouting abuse at an overseas actress. My mother can’t get enough of the blighted woman, complaining only that she doesn’t go far enough and should start a one-woman pogrom. My mother is my cross (extremely cross, if anyone multiracial appears on the screen) to bear.

Anyway, I would really like to appear on your show. My mind is finally made up – I’ve had enough of Britain and would like to get away as soon as possible. My house is a semi detached affair at the end of a cul-de-sac. It’s a nice area, with good neighbours. A couple of years ago we had some people move in who we suspected of being Socialists but we soon dealt with that. I shan’t bore you with the tactics we employed and anyway, I fear that this email may be admissible in court.

I have three bedrooms and a good thing too as we’re currently at full capacity. My mother has the back bedroom and her slapdash attitude toward hygiene has turned the dry rot in the floorboards into wet rot. The room being used by my nephew will need fumigating, and a service by a priest might not go amiss. The room my wife and I use, however, is in pristine condition as nothing untoward ever happens in it.

What I’m looking for is to buy somewhere central in Amsterdam. I went there recently with a group of like-minded friends and must say it was an eye-opener. I felt like a teenager again and could have had one if I hadn’t spent all my money in the nightclub we’d just visited. The range of entertainment on offer is truly breathtaking. In fact, I saw a mask in a shop window for precisely that purpose. I wouldn’t need anywhere too big – a couple of bedrooms (I intend to convert one room to a new hobby I discovered while in Amsterdam) would suffice. I would also miss not having a potting shed, if you can find somewhere with one. A lot of tourists were talking about pot so I don’t see that being a problem.

One slight concern is how discreet you chaps can be. The thing is, I’d rather we went through the whole procedure without informing the rest of my family. They will no doubt become unreasonably upset when I tell them I have no intentions of taking them with me and I’d hate to have to go through the whole rigmarole of dealing with estate agents with them on my back, serving restraining orders, etc.

I also think it would be a smashing idea if I could spend a few days in the Hoerenbuurten getting my bearings. I’ll leave it up to you to arrange hotels, accomodation, etc. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours etc.