Excellent news! The good people at A Place In The Sun want me to appear in their show. I received the following email from the unfortunately-named Mr Fico:

Dear ***,

Thanks for getting in touch with the show and for your very interesting
email!

Unfortunately, at the risk of disappointing you, "A Place In The Sun"
has not yet been re-commissioned by channel 4 for 2007, and is
therefore currently not looking for househunters.

However, should you be interested, our popular show “A Place in the
Sun-Home or Away” has been recommissioned by Channel 4 for a fourth
series and we are therefore currently looking for househunters
interested in buying in various locations across Europe.

In case you haven't seen it 'A Place in the Sun-Home or Away' is for
people who are looking to either relocate or buy a holiday home but are
torn between buying in the U.K or on the continent.

I've attached an application form for 'A Place in the Sun-Home-Away'
below in case you are interested. If you wish to be considered for this
programme please complete this form and return a.s.a.p. (if possible
please attach pictures of yourselves and your current house.)
Please note that only people who are torn between buying in the UK
and/or abroad will be considered.

If you are caught in just such a dilemma I look forward to reading why
you deserve the opportunity to appear on the show and to benefit from
the service provided by our team of expert foreign property
researchers!

Should you need to ask any questions please do not hesitate to contact
me via the details below.

I await your response in due course.

Kind regards,
Etc.

I got to work on the application form straight away as this looks like my chance to be free to pursue my other interests with likeminded friends without the noise of nagging, pop music or racial slurs. I have laid out my answers to the team below. I cannot fail to be chosen, I feel. After the usual personal questions (address & whatnot) the form continues thusly:

Relationship (husband and wife, friends…)
This is all rather academic as my intentions are to leave my family in the bosom of the state when I move abroad. I have other bosoms to concentrate on now. My likeminded friends will, I’m sure, be paying me visits in my Amsterdam property. I’ll charge competitive room rates and more importantly, I’ll clean up afterwards without asking questions.

Where and when did you meet?
We met at a protest march in Trafalgar Square re that whole Vietnam business. I remember the first time I saw her, jabbing a placard in my face and screaming the word “Pig” at me. I was volunteering for the police at the time. They kindly let me have a go at the water cannon and my future wife got 100lbs/psi of H2O right in the temple. I caught up with her by one of the lions. I asked her out for some tea & toast and she rather dazedly accepted. The rest, as they say, is history.

Names and ages of any children
My daughters no longer live at home. One of them is rather feeble minded, sadly, and so has had to enter a secure place where screaming, heavy medication and drab clothing are the order of the day. The other moved to Australia so she’s in much the same situation.

Hobbies and interests
I have many activities which occupy me throughout the day. I’d rather not go into them here if that’s okay. What a man does in the privacy of his own bathroom when everyone else is out of the house and the door is securely locked is, I feel, his own business.

Why are you planning to make a move? (eg. Holiday home, relocation, investment)
I need to be in a place where a man like myself freely pursue his hobbies. Or if not freely, then at a pre-agreed fee.

Are you looking for one property in either location or one in each?
Just the one in Amsterdam, thanks. As I say I’ve been paying my stamp for years so I think it’s time the government chipped in with somewhere to live for my family.

Please tell us about your dilemma and why you are torn between the UK and abroad?
To be brutally frank, there’s no dilemma for me at all. My heart belongs to the coffee houses, canals and a woman called Svenka of Amsterdam. But if it’ll make for better television I’m willing to scratch my head & dither a bit for the cameras.

Please tell us who prefers what and why?
UK: My wife, nephew and mother. I think they prefer the UK because they currently have somewhere to live there. All that’s about to change, but mum’s the word, eh?

Abroad: Me. Although I’d prefer it if you didn’t call Svenka “A broad.”

Where would you want to look at properties in the UK?
Well if we have to go through the whole charade I suppose we could have a shufty around Knightsbridge. Maybe the wife could do a bit of shopping while she still has the chance.

Why have you chosen those areas?
UK: For the sake of getting on the program but I dare swear you can come up with a decent reason for the show.
ABROAD: Anyone who has strolled through the bustling streets of Amsterdam at midnight, a relaxing cigarette in one hand and a Lithuanian buttock in the other, would know the answer to that question.

What type of property are you looking for? (No. of beds, land required etc.)
UK: Well I don’t think we’re going to get much in Knightsbridge for the amount of money my place will get. Nowhere with stairs, though. Let’s not tax ourselves, eh?

Abroad: A two-bed place overlooking the canals would be super. And if the walls are capable of holding quite heavy weights, that would be marvellous. We need not concern ourselves with why.

Are there any specific requirements for the area? (eg. Near beach, children’s facilities etc.)

Just a coffee shop, a canal and a nearby needle exchange (this is at Svenka’s request. She must be a keen knitter, I suppose.)

What efforts have you already made to find appropriate property?

Myself and a few likeminded friends spent a wonderful few days in Amsterdam recently. We toured the area extensively (although we never did get round to visiting any galleries or museums). I now have a good working knowledge of the upper stories of Amsterdam apartments (bedroom layouts, bathroom facilities, etc.)

Are there any dates between January and October 2007 when you would be unavailable for filming? (Filming takes place over 2 separate weeks)
Any time really, but better to make it during the summer. I often go away for a fortnight with my likeminded friends for a bit of a beano so it won’t raise too much suspicion with the family if we make it July-ish.

Do you own or know anyone who own a camcorder? (in case your application form moves onto the next stage, which is the completion of a screen test)
I do. I bought a rather fine one from Dixons last year after corresponding with their sales staff.
http://customerservice.blog.co.uk/2005/12/20/customer_service_vs_dixons~402199
I’d be loathe to lose some of the footage I have on there (as the lady in question has moved away now) but needs must, I suppose.

I’ve sent the form off and now just pray I get selected. I shall let you know their response as soon as it arrives.